Please help with my song Lyrics

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Vall112
newbie
Posts: 1
Joined: May 14th, 2014, 7:46 am

Please help with my song Lyrics

Post by Vall112 » May 14th, 2014, 8:00 am

I am new here and this is my first post, if you guys can give me some feedback and some constructive criticism I would really appreciate it. Keep in mind that I have just recently started writing songs so any advice is greatly appreciated.

Chorus
The door is open and im trying to leave this place but I cant cause I know no other way
The depths of my heart are a dark and dirty place I will cower in your light that you might Find me with your grace

Verse 1
Her hair like fire brings me to my knees
My skin is dire cause my heart is week
Her eyes they water as the nights grow longer
And the ashes is my dreams they cover me

Chorus
The door is open and im trying to leave this place but I cant cause I know no other way
The depths of my heart are a dark and dirty place I will cower in your light that you might Find me with your grace

Verse 2
The hate for this town grows for miles each day
And I am running to catch and try to replace
Life and love they are hard to come by
Its not hate that gets us through the night

Chorus
The door is open and im trying to leave this place but I cant cause I know no other way
The depths of my heart are a dark and dirty place I will cower in your light that you might
Find me with your grace

Bridge
I know that its wrong to be part of the crowd
And I know that its wrong to search for love in the shadows if her thong
And I will do my best to replace these words with a better soooonnng.


Chorus
The door is open and im trying to leave this place but I cant cause I know no other way
The depths of my heart are a dark and dirty place I will cower in your light that you might
Find me with your grace

Guitarlicks0208
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 9:34 am

Re: Please help with my song Lyrics

Post by Guitarlicks0208 » September 22nd, 2014, 12:46 pm

Hi Vall, I really like what you have posted here. So what kind of sound do you envision surrounding your song. It sounds like this person is struggling with an attraction to a woman that may not be right for him.

Do you write any songs on addiction?

LingDar
newbie
Posts: 16
Joined: December 15th, 2015, 9:10 pm

Re: Please help with my song Lyrics

Post by LingDar » January 4th, 2016, 12:42 pm

I like the overall thyme and flow.
There are a few snags. Mostly you being too passive voice and not active enough. For example
You have "but I can't 'cause I know no other way"
It would most likely be better as "I can't; I know no other way" see how that's more direct?
Try rewriting it taking out most of the being verbs (am, is, are, was, be, being, been)
Also check to make sure all your words are correct. I'm not sure is you meant "dire" or "dry".

I like the song a lot it has a great emotional core that some polishing of words could really draw out. Great draft.
Also what sort of music goes to this?

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