Y8W1 Made in the USA

[jamestoffee]

Y8W1 Made in the USA

http://www.soundclick.com/JamesSundaySongWritersGroup

=====LATEST VERSION======

-chapter one .....Needing love-
I was made to get through to you ‘cause no one else could
I was made to get through to you ‘cause nothing else would
I was made to bring you up to date on what’s going down
Here’s a good bye kiss -chapter two ..... Finding love- ‘cause you won’t be around

I was made to serve justice; I was made to fight crime
I was made to learn to know and love the criminal mind
I was made to do it quickly but slower could be fun
For a felony in progress; for the boy who loves his guns

I was made to make it personal to make the ending count
I was made to make it business and leave the feelings out
I was made to make it obvious; logical or not
Come out in a blaze and give it all I got

I was made for the fight in the right to bear arms
I was made for crime scenes, siren screams, car alarms
I was made for the perps in the burbs of suburbia
A shot heard round the world from the halls of disturbia
-chapter three ..... Using love-

Chorus
Bang! Bang! Bite the bullet. Listen when I say
I was made in the USA
Last man standing gets another day to play
I was made in the USA
I was made in the USA
-chapter four ..... Abusing love-
I was made to pull the trigger make the itchy finger happy
I was made to make the children bleed now tell me who’s your daddy?
I was made to draw the line tearing heart and soul to pieces
Get ready for your close up; rest in peace

I was made to kill exceptional people with ease
I was made to nullify the need to say please
I was made to bring you down; there ain’t nowhere left to run
I was made to find the heart ‘cause I haven’t got one
-chapter five ....Losing love-
-chapter six ..... A lovely ending-



=====Original Version=====
I was made to get through to you ‘cause no one else could
I was made to get through to you ‘cause nothing else would
I was made to bring you up to date on what’s going down
Here’s a good bye kiss ‘cause you won’t be around

I was made to serve justice; I was made to fight crime
I was made to learn to know and love the criminal mind
I was made to do it quickly but slower could be fun
For the man who hates his mother; for the boy who loves his guns

I was made to make it personal to make the ending count
I was made to make it business and leave the feelings out
I was made to make it obvious; logical or not
Come out in a blaze and give it all I got

I was made to pull the trigger make the itchy finger happy
I was made to make the children bleed now tell me who’s your daddy?
I was made to draw the line tearing heart and soul to pieces
Get ready for your close up; rest in peace -yeah

Chorus
Bang! Bang! Bite the bullet. Listen when I say
I was made in the USA
Last man standing gets another day to play
I was made in the USA
I was made in the USA

I was made to tag along in the right to bare arms
I was made to serenade siren screams and car alarms
I was made as a reminder of the human condition
The hand of God and man on a cosmic collision

I was made to kill exceptional people with ease
I was made to substitute the need to say please
I was made to help the martyr find his place in the sun
I was made to find the heart ‘cause I haven’t got one

[dhodge]

Don't know why, but while listening to this I kept expecting Tony Soprano to drive by. Nice groove and good mood.

Some of the lines don't work for me and that may just be me. The first few verses work wonderfully but the last seem to disappoint in contrast. It's like an engine running out of steam. in the next to last verse:

I was made to tag along in the right to bare arms
I was made to serenade siren screams and car alarms
I was made as a reminder of the human condition
The hand of God and man on a cosmic collision

"tag along" (and shouldn't that be "bear" instead of "bare?"), "serenade" and "reminder" seem very passive for this narrator, especially given the active imagery from the earlier verses. Instead of being a force of nature, he's now a face in the crowd. "Bear arms," while a nice rhyme, is fairly tame, especially when you could really do up the rest like this:

I was made to sing the lead for siren screams and car alarms
I was made Patient Zero of the human condition
The hand of God and man on a cosmic collision

Likewise, "substitute" and "help" in the last verse (great final lines, by the way) are also weak and out of character with the narrator's earlier posing. Have no idea about the substitute line yet but you could go with:

I was made to lead (or take or bring) the martyr to his place in the sun

Just a thought. A bunch of thoughts, I guess. Great to listen to, and I'm looking forward to more.

Peace

[Vic Lewis VL]

I was expecting Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis to drive by....

I like the points DH made, especially for the last verse - so I'll compliment you on the MP3. Very well put together, impressed by the way you've got the words to flow with the rhythm. Or was it the other way around? Doesn't really matter - this is one of those times where you've got to say, "Thanks for sharing!" Harmonies were spot on, too. Great listen.

Oh, and thanks for YOUR thanks, James - let's just hope I can come up with a few more subjects to stimulate your writing gland(s!) I did try, last year, to get y'all thinking outside the box EVERY week - there is NO comfort zone here! Which is probably why I didn't write so many songs....

Anyway, you had a pretty darn good first year - hoping for a lot more of the same from you. And, of course, your perceptive critiques!



Vic

[CitiZenNoir]

Was just taking a quick glance thru GN and ran across this....
One of those 'USA' songs that aren't quite Pro-American

Actually, (and it might just be me and my politics), I quite liked the 'right to bear arms' line.
(Granted, I have yet to listen to the Mp3).
It's one of those Republican niches, and therefore, a powerful statement (in my eyes).
(And no, I've no desire to make this into a political debate).

The line that grabbed me was the one about the mother: "For the man who hates his mother; for the boy who loves his guns"
My first thought was of Cody Jarrett ( I figure you'll know right off who that is, James ).
And in trying to think of criminals (movie wise), they seem to have quite an attachment to their mothers in most cases.
So, maybe it could be - For the man who loves his mother!
It just wasn't believable to me, that gun crazy criminals hate their mothers.... sorry.

Just wanted to express that....
Like it alot, James

Ken

[jamestoffee]

Thanks Dave, Vic and Ken,

I tried to address all the issues brought up, but there could still be room for clarification and tightening up I am sure.

Feedback?

James

[Vic Lewis VL]

Just to pick up on a point Ken made - I wonder if somehow you could fit the famous Cagney line into the last verse somehow to round things off?



Vic

[jamestoffee]

I wonder if somehow you could fit the famous Cagney line into the last verse somehow to round things off?

OK. My ignorance will shine here, but I don't know what quote that is. Please head me in the right direction.

[CitiZenNoir]

"Made it, Ma! Top of the world!"

Ken

[Celt]

Great Song James

Like Ken said it may just be me and my politics but I get this image of
the narrator being a gun with Made In The U.S.A. stamped on it.

Or maybe I should have my MD check my meds



John

[jamestoffee]

Hey John,

Thanks for the listen and post.

I get this image of
the narrator being a gun with Made In The U.S.A. stamped on it.

Actually I was personifying a bullet, but a gun works....and I am not trying to or don't want to get potitical at all with this either. I was just following the muse and trying to evoke images/emotion but stay impartial and a bullet would...."be the bullet" ...but I still think it needs something a bit more direct to the listener for the 3rd line of the last verse as the first verses are directly aimed at or threatening to the listener.....thinking....thinking....thinking....

James

[jamestoffee]

"Made it, Ma! Top of the world!"
Ken

Thanks, Ken.

I wasn't familar with the quote. My initial thought for that section was the bullet does it's job fast and quick to kill a person unless the shooter is a psycho or sadist or someone who loves to watch other suffer and die slowly so they wouldn't shoot to kill...they would shoot to make the victim bleed to death or torture in some form.....so the angle I was going for was the universal "everyone loves their mother" idea. If someone hated their mother, it was to indicate that something was wrong with the person....but it was not communicated clearly so I opted out for another direction all together.

James

[Celt]

Thanks James at least I know I was on somewhat the right track

Link below to James Cagney movie quote White Heat 1949

http://www.reelclassics.com/Audio_Video ... deitma.wav




John

[jamestoffee]

John,

Thanks for the info....that would make a nice sound bite to end the song with. I'll see what time allows today, but it doesn't look like I'll have much of it.

James

[Christiaan]

A lot of replies before mine, but here's my two cents:

It's a really engaging song, although it still kind of loses steam in the end. Maybe something like "I was made to think like criminals to become one of them" would make a better punchline?

Slightly nitpicking:

I was made to make it personal to make the ending count
I was made to make it business and leave the feelings out
I was made to make it obvious; logical or not
Come out in a blaze and give it all I got

I'd switch those two lines around, then the connection between lines 2 and 3 would be more logical in my mind.

Good job on the MP3, the electro sound really works here.

[jamestoffee]

A lot of replies before mine, but here's my two cents:

You know what you get when a lot of people put in their two cents? ....change [two meanings intended]

It's a really engaging song, although it still kind of loses steam in the end. Maybe something like "I was made to think like criminals to become one of them" would make a better punchline?

Thanks for the suggestion. I was trying to stay neutral on the gun issue being a good or bad guy point of view. Your suggestion would tip the balance....maybe that is what it needs to not lose steam. I've been trying to come up with as reasons why the song loses steam:

1 Point of View/opinion -No clear stance on guns being bad or good
or
2 Production-A lot of effects/enhancements in v4 [the middle of the song] and not vs 5 and 6
or
3 Best ideas first then weakest last order- maybe vs1 needs to recap
or
4 Song structure- maybe ch after every 2 verses instead of 4 verses-ch-2 verses-ch
or
some combination of the above
or
something else in songwriting I haven't learned about yet.

I will probably let this one rest for a while until I get this week's assignment underway, but I appreciate you listening and posting....and if any one else has insight on identifying how or why a song loses steam, I'd be interested in hearing it.

Feedback?