Y8W1

[Christiaan]

Hey guys! I've written a few songs here before (last login January 2005!) and a few weeks ago stumbled over it again and was glad to see it was still alive.
Since this is week 1, it felt like a good starting point to try again to write something every week. And I've also recently bought a moutharp with a brace, so I'll try to cram in some newbie harmonica tones as well

So here's my song (I'll post some replies to the other songs over the next days):

Born on the Same Day

I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
well I'm testing the waters where I heard that you could be found

I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I can remember almost drowning twice ever since I've been a child

She dried my hair and took me to her place
She dried my hair and took me to her place
She gestured me to follow into a maze

We were born on the same day, like day and night
We were born on the same day, like day and night
I don't need you baby but I can't let you leave without a fight

I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
well I'm testing the waters where I heard that you could be found


I've made a (very quick) recording, so you can listen to it here.

[jamestoffee]

Good start for the new year. Nice singing and playing on the guitar and harmonica.

Lyrically, my mind can't wrap around who is the victim or person in trouble, hero or villain....the singer or singee...it reads to me like a song for the movie Misery with Kathy Bates and James Caan.

I like the line "We were born on the same day," It has a lot of potential to go into some interesting developments....but the part "like day and night" is usually refer to opposites so the singer is saying they are totally opposite, but I am not sure how that fits in or where it leads to.

Suggestion:
Consider using the last verse to clarify the plot a bit more instead of re-singing the first verse.

Thanks for sharing.

James

[Celt]

Good start for the new year. Nice singing and playing on the guitar and harmonica.

+1 to that!

Good Blues Shuffle you got going there.

Like James I find the lyrics to be a little confusing and disjointed

But I do have some suggestions if you don't mind.

I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I can remember almost drowning twice ever since I've been a child

What about changing the last line and making this the first verse

I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I'm looking for my Baby my Sweet Honey Child

I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
well I'm testing the waters where I heard that she could be found

OK so he's out looking but she is suddenly there to take care of him?

She dried my hair and took me to her place
She dried my hair and took me to her place
She gestured me to follow into a maze

Maybe something like:

Dry my hair and take me back home
Dry my hair and take me back home
I loved my Baby why'd see leave me alone

And then

We were born on the same day, like day and night
We were born on the same day, like day and night
I don't need you baby but I can't let you leave without a fight

We were born on the same day, like day and night
We were born on the same day, like day and night
I'm burning with the fire she's cold just like ice

Then you can repeat either the first or second verse.

Just my thoughts.Take them or leave them.



John

[Christiaan]

Thanks for the replies and the kind words!
The song was indeed meant to be mysterious, but I guess it turned out a little too vague.

I'm sorry, but except for the word 'she' in the third line (obviously better, thanks James) the first three verses are pretty much set in stone.
The last line of the second verse was meant to be a poetic way to say the "I" in the song has had two bad experiences with a woman before, I really like to sing that so I won't change that.

I know the "like day and night" part is bad, I couldn't think of anything else. I tried to rewrite the ending, but it's still not very good so I'll put it aside for now and revisite it later:

Born on the Same Day

I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
I'm hungry and helpless, I'm looking around
well I'm testing the waters where I heard that she could be found

I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I'm wading through the river, it's cold and it's wild
I can remember almost drowning twice ever since I've been a child

She dried my hair and took me to her place
She dried my hair and took me to her place
She gestured me to follow into a maze

We were born on the same day, but we grew a different guise
We were born on the same day, but we grew a different guise
I'm burning like fire, but she is cold like ice

what did you do babe, to make me feel so wrong
what did you do babe, to make me feel so wrong
I can't figure you out, so I'm gonna be travelling on

[Celt]

Christiaan

Like you said in my thread "It's your song"

Good job on the rewrite.

It gives the song some resolution I think that may have been what was missing for me



John

[Vic Lewis VL]

Christiaan, welcome back after all this time! Like the MP3 - you've got a nice groove going there. Also like the suggestions for the lyrical changes, where necessary..... hope to see more from you. We've already got one Dutch lad on these forums who's gone from novice to musical genius in about 5 years or so....(Anyone seen Arjen lately? He's been quiet...) so you've got a lot to live up to!



Vic

[Christiaan]

Thanks Vic, I do plan to post a song and an MP3 every week, just to get some experience and see how people react to it.

We've already got one Dutch lad on these forums who's gone from novice to musical genius in about 5 years or so [...] so you've got a lot to live up to!

Well, there's certainly room for improvement, but a musical genius... Well... I'm not promising anything