SSG2 Week 48 - Sozay

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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sozay
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SSG2 Week 48 - Sozay

Post by sozay » October 4th, 2004, 4:42 pm

I think I'm living dangerously again wrt the party topic, but in my head, this is happening at a party... title sucks too

Not Ready

When I got there
And I saw her
Caught her eye, and looked away
Somehow later
Standing near her
She smiled and said ‘hi'

I had nothing to say
She was ready to hear

Mouth jammed up
Finally ‘hello'
The small talk was miniscule
God, I tried
God, I wanted
But my heart made me a fool

I had nothing to say
She was ready to hear

Nervous silence
A distraction
Relieved to take your leave
I love you
I love you
Whispered to no one, but the breeze

I'd nothing to say...
You weren't ready to hear...
I love you
I love you
So I just whispered it to the breeze
Last edited by sozay on October 5th, 2004, 4:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Vic Lewis VL
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Post by Vic Lewis VL » October 4th, 2004, 6:08 pm

Read it through, saw in my minds eye the shy nervous kid, flitting from group to group round the fringes of the party, desperately trying to pluck up courage to speak to the girl he fancies........

A) So the song works, good images.......
B) the scenario fits the assignment......

Mission accomplished.

May not be the greatest title, but it's part of the chorus and fits the song, so unless you feel inspired and come up with a real killer, stick with it.

Couple of small grammatical changes might make it flow a liitle smoother - you're mixing tenses (first verse is looking back, it's set in the past tense, while the chorus is set in the present...it's a statement) and mixing persons...("When I saw HER" in the verse, third person......."That YOU're ready to hear" in the chorus, 2nd person).......could be easily remedied though, try changing the chorus round a little,

"I had nothing to say,
(That) She was ready to hear"

following the first two verses......that's the past taken care of......keep the 3rd verse (Bridge?) as it is in the present tense, the scenario has switched from then to now....past tense to present, i.e. the first two verses were flashbacks, the bridge is NOW and she's leaving.......

so leave the bridge as it is, then the final chorus as it is, and then "I love you, I love you, I whisper to the breeze...."

Hope this helps.......

Vic.

:) :) :)
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)

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Post by Celt » October 5th, 2004, 4:41 am

Sozay,


Good take on the assignment. Vic makes some valid points about the grammar. You raelly caught the feel of the situation . One thing stuck out and it may just be a typo. The line: "Relieved to take you leave"
Shouldn't that be "Relieved to take your leave" Good Work

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Last edited by Celt on October 6th, 2004, 8:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by straycat. » October 5th, 2004, 7:56 am

hi sozay:)

might not be the best song you ever wrote but it's a good one :wink:
I wasn't to enthusiastic about it but then I read the line
Whispered to no one, but the breeze
...that's cute.
so now I like it, besides you've been describing me pretty well(except that I'm a girl :) ).........

well done.
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin

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Rob
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Post by Rob » October 5th, 2004, 9:49 am

not much to add really, just posting to 2nd vic
and say i really liked the 'The small talk was miniscule' line.

rob:)

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Post by sozay » October 5th, 2004, 4:14 pm

Thanks for your comments guys, and Vic in particular.
I've fixed up the grammar, tenses, POV, and spelling... aheh
Hopefully that does it :)

thanks again
sozay

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Post by CheapThrill » October 5th, 2004, 4:23 pm

hey sozay,

cute little song here. the sentiment is very true. i like the short lines and the simplicity of wording since the subject the having such a hard time talking. just a sweet tender song, makes you feel simpatetic toward the guy.

-CheapThrill

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Post by smokindog » October 5th, 2004, 4:32 pm

8) 8) I liked the chorus the best :D . The verses also had some good lines! "relieved to take your leave"" I liked also.
:D :D

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Post by scratchmonkey » October 6th, 2004, 9:42 pm

Well Sozay,

What can I say that hasn't been said. You did a good job capturing and expressing a feeling that everybody can identify with.

-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)

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Vic Lewis VL
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Post by Vic Lewis VL » October 6th, 2004, 10:17 pm

Glad I could help!!!

Reads a whole lot more smoothly now, without losing the raw emotion...nice work!!!

:) :) :)

Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)

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Post by Bob » October 10th, 2004, 3:58 am

Hi Sozay

Great little song full of emotion and paints a forlorn picture of a party. That's the assignment as I'd seen it in my head.

Good stuff

Bob :D
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