Look Mom I'm flying

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smokindog
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Look Mom I'm flying

Post by smokindog » October 5th, 2004, 9:16 pm

8) 8) This is a bit of a coutionary tail (I like to write them for some reason). something that almost happened to me in 1977. :oops:
This may be on the morbid side, but I go there sometimes. :(

LOOK MOM I'M FLYING

I,m going to a party
Never been to one befor
Got a invitation
I'm knocking on the door

Hey look mom, I'm flying
I'm souring through the air

Drinking shots of whisky
Doing lines of coke
Taking little red pills
What was that I smoked?

Hey look mom I'm flying
but I'm on my way down

They found me in the basement
so tired I drifted away
lifeless on the hard floor
in the arms of morpheus to stay

Hey look mom I'm dying
Hey look mom I'm dead


Hope I didn't bum you guys out to much :D :D

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sozay
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Post by sozay » October 5th, 2004, 9:53 pm

nice stuff smokindog

rolls along pretty nicely. the line that gave me trouble was also my favourite line "in the arms of morpheus to stay" great image, but the line just seems a bit long.. not quite sure what to do there.
also the very last line "hey look mum im dead". i each of the other choruses youve got a nice sky/flying image, and it would be nice i think to finish in the same vein i think. whether it is something about a fatal crash, or something about resting amongst the stars...
"hey look mom, i'm dying
and amongst the stars i'll rest"
anyways, thats my 2c
nice work
sozay

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Post by straycat. » October 6th, 2004, 5:55 am

hey:)

really like this a lot!

I didn't mind the last line of the chorus, it is a cool thing to do...dying...dead, gives it an absolute end.
but sozay's got a good point with her sky image thing...also a beautiful ending she suggested...maybe not as absolute...hm...it's up to you:)

you could cheat a bit(as the chorus should be 2 lines only) and say:
"hey look mom I'm dying
amongst the stars I'll rest
hey look mum I'm dead." (this way you even have a kinda indirect rhyme in it...rest/dead..)

no matter how you decide on this, your song is great and I can literally see it...like the title and the third verse in particular

not too morbid, I think :D
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Post by Celt » October 6th, 2004, 9:38 am

Smokindog,

I like this alot. It reminds me of the old Hoyt Axton/ Three Dog Night song Mama Told Me Not to Come. Great Work! And that last verse:

"They found me in the basement
so tired I drifted away
lifeless on the hard floor
in the arms of morpheus to stay"

That's just... How do I say it? OH Yeah !

That's just SMOKIN' DOG.

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Post by Vic Lewis VL » October 6th, 2004, 1:04 pm

Should be played for and quoted to all teenagers whenever the word "PARTY" is mentioned......

Good stuff!!!

:) :) :)

Vic
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Post by CheapThrill » October 6th, 2004, 6:11 pm

yo dog,

great take on the assignment. i wasn't so sure about the song when i first read the title, but then when i read the song those thoughts changed. good song. not too morbid since it is so brief. if i was a long and drawn out it would have been morbid. it is catchy and really flows nicely. the song reads so fast that there is no time to dwell on anything.

wonderful job on a touchy subject, the truely dark side of a party.

i do have to agree with everyone else about the morpheus line being a little off on rhythm but not that much. it is a very good image. the other thing that i find a little off is the last two lines. as previously mentioned, you have used that flying/falling imagery in the choruses but then the last two lines are basically identical. i think there could be a better image here, almost seems like you didn't have anything better so you just put it there. don't let your great imagery of the flying/falling fall short in these last two lines.

great over all job.

-CheapThrill

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Post by smokindog » October 6th, 2004, 8:41 pm

Thanks every one for the kind support and constructive critiques. I like the morpheus line and don't know what to do, I suppose i could just say "in arms of morpheus to stay", leaving out THE. :?: :?
as far as the last chorus i think i will cheat a bit here, since when I record it i will repeat the chorus any how.

HEY LOOK MOM I'M FLYING
SKYPILOT TAKE ME HOME
HEY LOOK MOM I'M DYING
HEY LOOK MOM I'M DEAD


This way I can keep the sky/flying image but also keep the absolute end thing I was going for.(thanks Suzay and Bluenightangel) :D :D

Any way let me know what you think-THANKS-the dog 8) 8)

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Post by scratchmonkey » October 6th, 2004, 9:10 pm

smokindog wrote: I like the morpheus line and don't know what to do...
I like that line too. If you can sing it, you can keep it. It's a tiny quirk of reading a song vs. listening to it. You may have it all worked out in your mind, as far as we know. It's just that reading it without hearing it, it's easy to trip up over the meter. You could try
"With Morpheus I'll stay" or "With Morpheus to stay" Either way, I'd keep it. If you can't make it fit with this song, then definitely put it in the "Stray lines" section of your notebook. It'll find a home.

smokindog wrote:This way I can keep the sky/flying image but also keep the absolute end thing I was going for...
That's a great revision. I think the absolute ending really delivers the punch on this one.

Real good work, Dog.

-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)

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Post by CheapThrill » October 6th, 2004, 9:38 pm

yo dog,

i like your revision of the last chorus. good job. i also like the way the scratch changed up your morpheus line for you. i know how ith gets sometimes when you get so stuck with a certain wording for a line that you can't think of a darn thing that could change it and not just make it bad. but then someone comes along and seemlessly without any effort changes like two words of your line and makes it great/perfect. damn you scratch! :wink:

-CheapThrill

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Post by Vic Lewis VL » October 6th, 2004, 10:32 pm

Yeah, that's a great revised ending...the song slowly but surely draws you in, then WHAM!!!!

Agree with Scratch, great line, just needed changing a little.......either of those suggestions would do, I marginally prefer "With Morpheus to stay."

:) :) :)

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Post by straycat. » October 7th, 2004, 4:48 am

hey smokindog :wink:

you're welcome:)
the ending you have now is perfect. the skypilot is great and really fits the mood of your song.

cool :lol:
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Post by smokindog » October 7th, 2004, 9:07 am

8) 8) Scratch, I think I will go with your sugestion "With morpheus to stay" THANKS! :D :D
This is a great group here! I already have learned a great deal in the last 2 weeks.

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Post by TheJackal » October 7th, 2004, 12:11 pm

Its a little late to comment here but I wanted to add my thoughts on morpheus. Dont know if I am stating the obvious here and everyone else felt it to glaring to comment on but I am also catching a Matrix vibe with the red pills and morpheus. "take the red pills or take the blue pills"

By the way, I like the song a lot.

TheJackal.

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Post by Bob » October 7th, 2004, 1:16 pm

Hi Smokingdog

Nothing else but praise to add - great understanding of the assignment and does say an awful lot in a very few words.

Excellent piece.

Bob :D
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Post by smokindog » October 7th, 2004, 4:21 pm

8) 8) Hey thanks Jackal and Bob. I guess I will have to go rent the Matrix next week, seeing I'm one of the few on this planet who havent seen it yet. lol :lol:

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