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SSG10-Week2 Wish

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Postby jamestoffee » November 11th, 2011, 8:57 am

SSG10-Week2 Wish

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The cake is melting from the heat of the candles
Another year's come and gone
I stare at your chair
I wish you were here
I'd sing you your birthday song

Wrapped presents from two years ago
Are in the closet on a shelf
Can't hold back the tears
I wish you were here
I'd sing you your birthday song

I wish, I wish
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, but you're not

The camera's dusty; no pictures to post
A party clown with no job
Can't do this alone
I wish you were here
I'd sing you your birthday song

Your laughter bubbles and spills from the TV
Oh that sweet day at the park
I watch in the dark
I wish you were here
I'd sing you your birthday song

I wish, I wish
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, but you're not

Instrumental

I wish, I wish
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, but you're not
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Postby Chris C » November 11th, 2011, 4:46 pm

Hi James,

Well done again. :D

I'm not sure that the "wishing" aspect of the chorus classes as describing only 'objects and actions', but I also never let the 'rules' get in the way of a song if it wants to go in a certain direction. :wink:

There's a certain irony in your posting a birthday song on this day - as it's actually my 65th birthday today. So I'm now officially allowed to be senile, forgetful and slip rapidly into my second (or is is third or fourth??) childhood...


Cheers,

Chris
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Postby jamestoffee » November 12th, 2011, 1:11 am

Hi Chris,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
.....do I say congratulations or condolences? :roll: :P

Chris C wrote:I'm not sure that the "wishing" aspect of the chorus classes as describing only 'objects and actions', but I also never let the 'rules' get in the way of a song if it wants to go in a certain direction. :wink:

I agree. I tried to be descriptive as possible, but to have the song make sense I went for some non-descriptive elements.....so yes, fail on the assignment to meet the requirement, but pass on getting a song written I otherwise wouldn't have....

.....I just reread your lyrics and I think you did hit the assignment spot on....so maybe this is a style of lyric writing I just need to keep working on and improving in.

What if I used "I cry" instead of "I wish"?......but then the idea of "Birthday Wish" is gone....do the images still make sense?

The cake is melting from the heat of the candles
Another year's come and gone
I stare at your chair
I cry all alone
I'm crying because you're not home

Wrapped presents from two years ago
Are in the closet on a shelf
Can't hold back the tears
I cry all alone
I cry because you are gone

I cry, I cry
I cry 'cause you are gone
I cry 'cause you are gone; you're gone

The camera's dusty; no pictures to post
A party clown with no job
Can't do this alone
I cry all alone
I cry because you are gone

Your laughter bubbles and spills from the TV
Oh that sweet day at the park
I watch in the dark
I cry all alone
I cry because you are gone

I cry, I cry
I cry 'cause you are gone
I cry 'cause you are gone; you're gone

Instrumental

I cry, I cry
I cry 'cause you are gone
I cry 'cause you are gone; you're gone


James
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Postby Hobson » November 12th, 2011, 4:18 pm

Using "cry" may more closely fit the assignment, but "wish" works a lot better, IMHO.

The first time I read this, I assumed that it was about a girlfriend/wife. But going back, I see that it could be about a parent or son/daughter or brother/sister. Maybe it would help to add one verse describing the person or the relationship.

Very dark music, which fits.
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Postby jamestoffee » November 12th, 2011, 5:10 pm

Hi Renee,

Thanks for the listen and post :D
Hobson wrote:Using "cry" may more closely fit the assignment, but "wish" works a lot better, IMHO.

Thanks for the confirmation. That's how I was feeling about it as well.

Hobson wrote:The first time I read this, I assumed that it was about a girlfriend/wife. But going back, I see that it could be about a parent or son/daughter or brother/sister. Maybe it would help to add one verse describing the person or the relationship.


It's interesting how we have switched roles now. :lol: This was my advice to you about your song Time Stealer
============
[I wrote]......but the idea sits a bit abstract or doesn't draw me in until I get a sense of who the singer and singee are.....a husband on the way out to the pub? a teenage daughter going out to the mall? a church goer trying to beat the crowd to Sunday lunch at Applebee's?......
[You wrote]I've also changed the lyrics a bit, but am still keeping it vague. I think a more concrete story has its place, but I want to leave this a little more general.
==============

....so my thinking was like yours before....if it wasn't specified, it could be ..... girlfriend/wife...parent or son/daughter or brother/sister.....

My original idea was parent to child......this is what I had...

I wish, I wish
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON

.....Do you think it words better?

Not having lost a child, I didn't want to be offensive or pretend I would really understand what it would be like to go through.....then again it doesn't have to be the child died....they could have just moved/ran away.

Feedback?

James
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Postby Vic Lewis VL » November 12th, 2011, 6:13 pm

Doesn't sound in the least Springsteeny to me....sounds more like pure JamesToffee. That's definitely a good thing - you HAVE found your own style, your own voice, and your own sound. Make that soundS, you've covered a lot of genres but you still sound like YOU!

I'm envying your original sound, I'm a little bit paranoid at the moment that everything I write sounds like someone else... see the feedback thread for more self-pitying moaning....

good song, mate!

:D :D :D

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Postby jamestoffee » November 13th, 2011, 2:39 am

Hi Vic,

Thanks for the listen and the post :D

Thanks for the encouraging words about a "voice" emerging/found. As mentioned a while back, it's one of those things where I don't think people can hear it in themselves. I do notice it in others though....I guess it's double edged sword....Sometimes with my wife's comments, I try a style or song and she says, "that doesn't sound like you".....it doesn't come off like a compliment :| Then other times, she says, "Oh that guy sounds like your music".....I ask, "Is that a good thing? Do you like it?" She says, "No. It just sounds like you" :| ....but to be fair to her, I know we have different tastes in music

.....I have wondered about the topic though....and I did try to explore it a bit for myself, but I got scared because I didn't really want to know the answer of what style my voice fits.....I was afraid the answer would be country :oops: .......

......if a person sounds like an opera singer, but they don't like opera....should they sing it to please others.....maybe if they are paid for it, or enjoy helping other people enjoy the music.....
.....but on the other side, I think if you don't enjoy doing what you are doing, I think it would come out and the only person you would really be fooling is yourself.

Vic Lewis VL wrote:I'm a little bit paranoid at the moment that everything I write sounds like someone else

I think we all feel that way. I have a couple suggestions, but I'll reply to them in the other thread.

It's ironic to me that you posted this comment on this song, because usually, I know exactly where I nipped and stitched the bits of melody together.....this one I don't know......except for the "lonely" guitar intro.....I remember hearing something from a Clint Eastwood directed movie....I can't remember which one now......but there was that lonely guitar sound and a person in a desert....but I'm sure I nipped from somewhere....my subconscious is just suppressing it too hard at the moment.

Thanks again,

James
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Postby straycat. » November 13th, 2011, 5:39 am

Aw, James, this is a great song, and very touching, too!
some random thoughts:

A party clown with no job
Can't do this alone
I wish you were here

Love this bit especially, says it all without sounding sentimental and, along the way, re-invests some phrases with a mroe specific meaning- e.g. "can't do this alone", "this" could mean life in general but also, of course, you can't hold a birthday party without the birthday child. it's simple and impossible and makes the first meanign much mroe tangible/real in a way. excuse my babbling :-D
also feel a tad sorry for the party clown who's been robbed of job opportunities ;-)

the laughter spilling from the tv bit is marvellous, too.

i'd agree with Chris about the rules and don't think you need to specify who the addressee is at all (i was thinking girlfriend or child).

sounds more like pure JamesToffee

+1 :D

......if a person sounds like an opera singer, but they don't like opera....should they sing it to please others.....maybe if they are paid for it, or enjoy helping other people enjoy the music.....

i'd say if they don't enjoy singing it, they shouldn't sing it! but perhaps they could use some of qualities that make their voice suitable for opera in some other way, create a new style of their own :wink: i don't believe in genres :lol: or, well, i can never really tell most of them apart anyway, with regards to the correct term :roll:

cheerio,
straycat.

p.s. oh and i really like the meandering guitar outro!
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
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Postby Nick » November 13th, 2011, 11:48 am

Certainly making note of an activity that occurs during a birthday party fits. And besides that, if it doesn't really fit, who cares? I'm not grading you. I wanted to but David said no.
So...

Shouldn't the first line be something like:

The candles melt on the cake from the heat of the flame

Unless the cake is indeed melting

To change it to fit the assignment, which is not necessary, all you need to do is point out the objects in your scene that match your line. Something like

Candles melt on the cake from the heat of the flame
I stand where I did last year
The chair that you sat in is empty

etc. etc.

Although I'm not doing the best job at it, I'm describing the scenery to give you the same information.
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Postby jamestoffee » November 14th, 2011, 7:55 pm

Hi Straycat,

It's great to see you posting again! Thanks so much for the listen and encouraging words. :D

Hi Nick,
Nick wrote:Shouldn't the first line be something like:
The candles melt on the cake from the heat of the flame

Yes, that could work well. I was imagining the idea that since there is no one to blow out the candles, the singer just let's the candles burn themselves out and in the process melt the cake.

Thanks for the listen and post. :D
Nick wrote:And besides that, if it doesn't really fit, who cares? I'm not grading you. I wanted to but David said no.
So...

Yes, not for a grade, but I've been trying to write some jingles at musikpitch.com and the winners are the ones that best give the client what they ask for, so I try to keep that in mind.....even though I think I got off track on Week 3's assignment as well :roll:

James
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