Y12W17

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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wilcoman
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Posts: 23
Joined: February 12th, 2014, 5:17 pm

Y12W17

Post by wilcoman » March 2nd, 2014, 10:16 am

Kaleidoscope Jane


V: He likes girls that are soft and sweet
Like strawberries in the summer heat
Sweet and kind was not what she was
More like hard and cold as blood

C:Kaleidoscope Jane, Kaleidoscope Jane
The minute that he met her he forgot his name
Kaleidoscope Jane, Kaleidoscope Jane
Shed still be smiling in the pouring rain


He likes girls that have long blond hair
Like silk from a maiden that’s fair
She had hair that was short and black
Like the bumper on a cadillac



C:

He loved that girl more than any other
She told him that she loved another
He broke down and started to weep
She just smiled and said so long creep

C:


He got a letter in the mailbox today
It smelled of her in everyway
All it said was you were good to me
Now he can die just as happy as can be

C:

jamestoffee
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Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y12W17

Post by jamestoffee » March 3rd, 2014, 5:21 am

Hi wilcoman,

You have a nice way with words :) Great title, too!

Suggestion:

Consider reworking your metaphor and simile. Remember they should hold truth in them to be believable

For example, blood is not hard. Blood is not cold (unless reptile)

....and Cadillac bumpers are not short and black....are they?

This line comes off pretty negative and contradictory to call someone a "creep" and then write a letter saying "you were good to me"

Maybe something like.....

She just smiled and said don't be weak


But overall, I like the way this is headed.

Thanks for sharing.

James

wilcoman
newbie
Posts: 23
Joined: February 12th, 2014, 5:17 pm

Re: Y12W17

Post by wilcoman » March 4th, 2014, 6:27 pm

Your suggestions are right on target. Here are some changes that I came up with for some of the lines.

Revision:

She was hard as a tack and cold as a flood



black...
Like a shadow of a spider’s back


weep...
She just smiled and said don’t be meek

jamestoffee
Guitarnoise Addict
Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y12W17

Post by jamestoffee » March 5th, 2014, 3:24 am

Hi wilcoman,

Much better on the revision.

Suggestion:
Next try to make the imagery fit the scene/character

For example If I was using metaphors about a sailor, I could use concrete images of ships, oceans, storms....but not road

or if I was writing about a trucker I could use road, haul, traffic lights.....but not ship

tack, flood and spider's back are harder to connect and pull the listener out of the moment instead of enhancing the here and now, so look for images in the metaphors that tell us more about the character or scene.

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