Y12 W18 - Razor's Edge

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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GrungeSunset
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Y12 W18 - Razor's Edge

Post by GrungeSunset » March 7th, 2014, 5:21 pm

I've been working on this ship for as long as I can remember.
Lowest on the totem pole, hoping to leave by December.
Grinding meanial task, one wonders how I can cope.
I make it through the day, clinging to simple hope.

My thoughts interupted when the captain lets out in a shrill:
"Get back to work because you know what rolls down hill"
I've been toiling on this vessel with no reward to show.
Stuck shoveling coal, I don't decide where we get to go.

But it's finally happening, I'm not sure what he is thinking.
The captain has gone off the deep end, this ship is now sinking.
He orders everyone to buckle down, says it's our job to save it.
I ask for better pay but he says "too bad, you're just gonna have to slave it."

I'm dancing on the razor's edge, heading towards a crucial decision.
Do I try to save the ship or swim for it with no land in my vision.
"You don't care about the boat" the captain starts to alledge.
At a pivotal moment in fate, the coin has landed on is edge.

I'm dancing on the razor's edge, wondering if my hand can be stayed.
Which side of the sword do I want to be on, the handle or the blade?
The critical moment on it's way, the ever approaching deadline.
Is it time to sink or swim? the reoccurring headline.

I'm dancing on the razor's edge, the captain's words ring hollow.
I take the katana by the hilt and leap with a flying swallow.
The captain falls to the ground as I land from my leap.
"Never try to lead a shark when you're just a sheep."

I make my decision while I'm standing at the crossroads.
I leap from the dying ship, just as it explodes.
I've danced on the razor's edge, now my future looks brighter.
I've survived on the razor's edge but I'm a warrior, I'm a fighter.
"In what, twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two handed arpeggio technique count as ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?!" - Dr Gregory House

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Hobson
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Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Re: Y12 W18 - Razor's Edge

Post by Hobson » March 8th, 2014, 1:58 pm

Since most of this is told in first person, I'd stick with that.

Instead of: "Grinding meanial task, one wonders how I can cope," how about "Grinding menial task. I wonder if I can cope." or "how long can I cope?"

This line is a bit obvious: "Stuck shoveling coal, I don't decide where we get to go." Of course this guy doesn't make decisions. How about something like: "...to get us wherever we go?"

The whole razor's edge idea doesn't quite fit into the nautical descriptions. I don't know what you could use instead, but that's probably because I live in the desert and am not that familiar with ships. There must be something else you could use, like being battered by a storm, riding the crest of a wave, being sucked into a whirlpool, etc.
Renee

jamestoffee
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Re: Y12 W18 - Razor's Edge

Post by jamestoffee » March 9th, 2014, 12:04 am

Nice write :D

A lot of good images. I agree with Renee's comments.

Suggestion:

Consider revising the razor's edge....maybe like "eye of the storm"......it could have 2 meanings....the moment before the final disaster and the perspective/point of view/eye of the singee

Thanks for sharing.

James

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