Y12W18 Deadlines & Closing Time

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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mlazare
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Joined: January 15th, 2006, 7:29 am

Y12W18 Deadlines & Closing Time

Post by mlazare » March 8th, 2014, 7:03 am

Deadlines and Closing Time http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12712518

I walked into the Uptown Grill to get myself a drink
Just wanted to kick back and not have to think
Toss back a couple of beers and clear out my head
Going to make it an early night then get on home to bed

I saw her walk in from out of the cold
There was something familiar about her but it didn't feel old
I remember thinking that she's out of my league
Yet there was something about her that kept me intrigued

So I kept my eyes on her as she sat at the bar
In her own special way she looked just like a movie star
She moved with grace as she sipped on her wine
I don't think I ever saw anybody looking so fine

Deadlines and Closing Time
They're one and the same
Last chance for alcohol and to learn her name
If she gets off that chair and walks out that door
I'll never have the chance to ever see her again

So I stayed and I ordered myself another beer
Trying to gather the courage to overcome my fear
I got up and walked around planning my move
I didn't have any pick up lines, I wasn't that smooth

I looked up at the clock hanging on the wall
Time was ticking away it would soon be last call
It was time to do or die , get off the pot
So finally I said to myself " Why the hell not"

I got up off my chair and I walked towards her way
I looked right in her eyes and started to say
"Excuse me for asking but what is your name"
She said " What took you so long, Hi I'm Jane"

Deadlines and Closing time
They're one and the same
Last chance for alcohol and to learn her name
If she gets off that chair and walks out that door
I'll never have the chance to ever see her anymore

Deadlines and Closing time
Deadlines and Closing time

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Hobson
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Re: Y12W18 Deadlines & Closing Time

Post by Hobson » March 8th, 2014, 2:00 pm

I like it a lot.
Renee

jamestoffee
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Re: Y12W18 Deadlines & Closing Time

Post by jamestoffee » March 9th, 2014, 12:15 am

Hobson wrote:I like it a lot.
+1

Suggestion: You hit a bit of a snag when you have a moving story line and the chorus is set up in the middle....after the last verse the same chorus doesn't fit....consider tweaking the last chorus to "fit" the changes in the story.

It might be simple as changing one word to 2nd person...addressing the singee

Deadlines and Closing time
They're one and the same
Last chance for alcohol and to learn her name
If she gets off that chair and walks out that door
YOU'LL never have the chance to ever see her anymore


or maybe stick with the tag line and repeating it like you do a bit.....

Deadlines and Closing time
Deadlines and Closing time
Deadlines and Closing time
Deadlines and Closing time

Thanks for sharing.

James

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