Y12W20 - Island Time

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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Hobson
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Joined: May 15th, 2009, 10:46 am
Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Y12W20 - Island Time

Post by Hobson » March 18th, 2014, 9:23 am

No music for this yet. It will probably be something Hawaiian to fit the lyrics.

verse:

The alarm clock always rings too soon
Even for her shift at noon
Late for work habitually,
She gets there eventually.
More or less awake.
Her punishment is self-inflicted.
All her life she's drifted
In and out of jobs.
Feeling she's been robbed
Of that one lucky break.

chorus:

She's on island time,
That's how she runs.
Hang loose and unwind,
Soaking up the sun.

verse:

The bills are never paid on time.
She lays down her last dime
Trying to hit the big one.
All her plans undone.
By the way the dice roll.
She always gets home late,
Where her family waits.
Making the world pause,
She plays by different laws.
Rules that no one else knows.

chorus

verse:

Almost never punctual.
Some would say dysfunctional
Late to every party.
She calls it fashionably tardy,
Explains she was detained.
Friends driven to distraction
By her self-satisfaction
She's on island time
By her own design.
Refuses to be constrained.

final chorus:

She's on island time,
'Though she's never seen the ocean.
Island time
For the life she has chosen.
Renee

jamestoffee
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Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y12W20 - Island Time

Post by jamestoffee » March 23rd, 2014, 1:24 am

Hi Rene,

Looks like you got the post for the assignment award this week! :P ..not a fun place to be, but at least you keep writing; no matter who else shows up....so kudos for that!

The lyrics work really well in describing the character,and I get the concept of "island time" The chorus does well to support the title.

Suggestions:

There is something a bit off. The images seem more like a gambler or Las Vegas resident with references to money, luck, dice....and it might come off as offensive that "islanders" are on "island time" because of these actions

Maybe make the comments in the verses more from her point of view or the positive side of "island time".....a long the lines of "don't worry be happy".

I don't know, it seems close to working, and in one way, I think it does, but the title and chorus seem positive and the verses seem like slams/put downs against the main character, so for me, it's sending out a mixed message.

....or maybe a question would be, what one emotion are you trying to draw out of the listener by telling this character's story?......and will all the elements (lyrics, melody and chord progressions) be working together to draw out that one emotion?

I would say the lyrics, melody and chord progressions should all be working together draw out one specific emotion.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James

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Hobson
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Posts: 794
Joined: May 15th, 2009, 10:46 am
Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Re: Y12W20 - Island Time

Post by Hobson » March 23rd, 2014, 7:47 am

James, thanks for the comments. The lyrics are based on a real person who actually uses the term "island time" even though she has never been to any island. Gambling has taken over so much of her life that she stays out too late, doesn't get enough sleep, is late for everything, and frequently gets fired. But the song needs to stand on its own and I can see now that it could be offensive, so I'm thinking about a different title and approach.

I have a tune for this and recorded something rough a few days ago. Then got a nasty cold and couldn't sing, so haven't been working on it.
Renee

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