12/21 Vampire w very rough MP3

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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John Sargent
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12/21 Vampire w very rough MP3

Post by John Sargent » March 28th, 2014, 6:45 pm

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12736813

Instead of thinking outside the box, I'm thinking outside the coffin.

Vampire

Verse 1:
You never notice me
but I’m around
Always there
and always aware

I stay in the shadow
I don’t make a sound
Always silent
And always vigilant

Chorus:
I’m not afraid of the sun
but sometimes I feel
like a vampire
Do you know what goes on
in the mind
of a vampire?

It seems like I’ve been this way
Forever
It feels like I’ll be this way
Forever

Verse 2:
I see through
Your veil of good
Always something below
I always know

I plan the moment
To drain your blood
Always red
And always dead

Chorus:
Last edited by John Sargent on March 29th, 2014, 7:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

jamestoffee
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Re: 12/21 Vampire

Post by jamestoffee » March 29th, 2014, 1:31 am

Hi John,

I like it :twisted:

Seems like your trying a different style of lyrics. I could hear this with dance music.

What music do you hear with it?

Suggestion:
With simplified lines, you want to make each carry its weight

Here lines 2 and 3 say the same thing.....use line 2 to add something....and since the lyrics are light on concrete details, try to fit some in on the new line.
....also vigilant might be difficult to sing as a rhyme with "silent"

I stay in the shadow
I don’t make a sound
Always silent......maybe "deathly/deadly silent" as foreshadowing
And always vigilant


Thanks for sharing.

James

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John Sargent
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Re: 12/21 Vampire

Post by John Sargent » March 29th, 2014, 7:55 am

Thanks for commenting.

Here is a very rough recording. First take - using my laptop http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12736813

jamestoffee
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Re: 12/21 Vampire w very rough MP3

Post by jamestoffee » March 29th, 2014, 4:11 pm

Hi John,

Great delivery :mrgreen:

Suggestion: One way to bump up the sinister aspect of the singer is to point out innocence/purity/naivety/virginity on the part of the singee in verse 2. Rather than negatives

Maybe that could be what attracts the singer to the singee.....wolf hunting sacrificial lamb ....rather than wolf hunting skanky black sheep :roll:

Your laptop seems to work well for the recording!

James

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John Sargent
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Re: 12/21 Vampire w very rough MP3

Post by John Sargent » March 29th, 2014, 5:25 pm

Thanks for listening and commenting.

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