Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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jamestoffee
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Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by jamestoffee » April 4th, 2014, 7:54 pm

Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12744257

=====Version 1 (child-friendly) :wink: =====
Jolly the Trolley used to be a clean machine
Bright and shiny; lemon-lime green
But now he clickety clacks down those weathered tracks
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly takes a stroll along the seaside
He rings his bell citywide
He could stand to use a coat of paint or two
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Mr. Mayor made a fuss up in City Hall
Jolly’s driver Joe getting old and all
Joe had been with Jolly since the very first run
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly always kept his eyes on the track
Even with Joe a bumpin’ napping in the back
Looks like the end of the line for Jolly and Joe
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly the Trolley used to be a clean machine
Bright and shiny; lemon-lime green
But they retired Jolly; tossed him in the sea
Now he spends his days as an artificial reef
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley



=====Original Version======
Jolly the Trolley used to be a clean machine
Not unlike the yellow submarine
But now he clickety clacks down those weathered tracks
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly takes a stroll along the seaside
He rings his bell citywide
He could stand to use a coat of paint or two
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Mr. Mayor made a fuss up in City Hall
Jolly’s driver Joe being drunk and all
Joe had been with Jolly since the very first run
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly always kept his eyes on the track
Even with Joe a bumpin’ passed out in the back
Looks like the end of the line for Jolly and Joe
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Jolly the Trolley used to be a clean machine
Not unlike the yellow submarine
But they retired Jolly; tossed him in the sea
Now he spends his days as an artificial reef
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley
Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley
Last edited by jamestoffee on April 6th, 2014, 3:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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John Sargent
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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by John Sargent » April 5th, 2014, 4:19 am

It's interesting. Who is your audience? It's not a song for kids as Joe is a drunk. Now personally, I love songs about drunks, I'm not sure it's appropriate as a children's song.
It's not really a song for adults either, it is along the lines of Yellow Submarine, Lucy in the Sky or Puff the Magic Dragon but they really don't mention drugs or drinking. They may infer it though.
It terms of continuity you have
"But now he clickety clacks down those weathered tracks" and
"Now he spends his days as an artificial reef "
This might be possible if he were a precarious quantum trolley

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Hobson
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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by Hobson » April 5th, 2014, 8:27 am

James, an interesting story. Is it based on a real trolley and real events?

I don't think that the reference to the yellow submarine works very well.

It could be a song for kids if you just changed "passed out in the back" to "sleeping in the back" and changed "Jolly’s driver Joe being drunk and all" to something about the driver getting old.
Renee

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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by jamestoffee » April 5th, 2014, 4:59 pm

Hi John and Renee,

>Who is your audience?

Me :D

I was definitely thinking along the lines of the Beatles "Yellow Submarine" "Penny Lane"

There is also a relatively new group called "Yelvis"....they had a very popular song recently "What Does the Fox Say?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE
and they do a similar thing with other songs....serious music + comedic lyrics.....I don't really like all the explicit sexual lyrics or swearing...but there seems to be an audience wanting something "different" than typical relationship love songs.

This one is a great example...except for the swearing :roll:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaEnaoydUUo

Regarding the quantum leap, I agree the time span wasn't spelled out but this is the sort of thing I was referring to

https://www.google.co.th/search?q=artif ... 24&bih=714

> Is it based on a real trolley and real events?

No, just along the lines of "Thomas the Tank Engine" story telling

>I don't think that the reference to the yellow submarine works very well.

Could be. It's usually not good to refer to other songs within a song.

>It could be a song for kids if you just changed "passed out in the back" to "sleeping in the back" and changed "Jolly’s driver Joe being drunk and all" to something about the driver getting old.

Good suggestion.....napping in the back.

Thanks for the listen and posts....I might tweak it to be "kid friendly"....could be used to teach about artificial reefs :P

James

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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by jamestoffee » April 6th, 2014, 3:57 am

***POOF changes made :mrgreen: ***

Child-friendly version made :wink:

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John Sargent
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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by John Sargent » April 6th, 2014, 4:11 am

I was hoping you would change it to teach about quantum physics. Maybe through in a reference to Schrödinger's Cat. It's all good.

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Re: Y12W22 Jolly the Precarious Rickety Trolley

Post by jamestoffee » April 6th, 2014, 5:14 am

John Sargent wrote:I was hoping you would change it to teach about quantum physics. Maybe through in a reference to Schrödinger's Cat. It's all good.
Wow! I never heard of the cat, but I've never tried to study quantum physics.

.....well this song is what it is and I'll leave it as that for now...on to the ordinary :wink:

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