y12w23

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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wilcoman
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Posts: 23
Joined: February 12th, 2014, 5:17 pm

y12w23

Post by wilcoman » April 13th, 2014, 4:35 pm

Something Wrong

There is something wrong here
The pieces of the puzzle don't fit
Any second I might disappear
This mind feels ready to quit


C:I just want to be normal
What that means I don't know
I'm always in a quarrel
I still have hope in the lights glow



The words I hear don't register
I'm caught underwater again
The faces I see all suffer
These wounds too deep to mend


I'm a broken machine
I work well enough not to die
Once again starin at the screen
Daydreaming about ways to fly

C:


The circuits have been scrambled
It must have been something I did
Too many times I gambled
Now I remain hid

C:

jamestoffee
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Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: y12w23

Post by jamestoffee » April 18th, 2014, 7:36 pm

Hi,

Good start. :D
I like these lines:
I'm a broken machine
I work well enough not to die.....reminds me of Blade Runner

Suggestions:

Focus the images to communicate one idea. For you, in your mind, they are connected, for me as the listener/reader, they are not: puzzle pieces, light's glow, underwater, machine, screen, flying, circuits, gambling, hiding

load up on the concrete images and make sure they are connected with a theme (preferably the title/what the song is about)

Consider connecting the idea of 24 with the lyrics....right now I don't see it.

Thanks for sharing.

James

wilcoman
newbie
Posts: 23
Joined: February 12th, 2014, 5:17 pm

Re: y12w23

Post by wilcoman » April 19th, 2014, 10:00 am

Thanks again :)

Essentially it's just about a person who feels like there's something wrong with him and he doesn't know what. You're right the images aren't really connected. I guess I was just trying to describe this state of mind using what images I thought of, not really aware of a thread of connectivity. I definitely have to be more conscious of this. Thanks

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