Y12W24 - 24/7

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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chefie
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Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by chefie » April 18th, 2014, 6:23 am

Hmmm, where is everyone? I don't think I've ever seen a week go by without a post for the assignment. Not quite finished and have not worked out the music yet . . . . .

24/7

verse 1
I wake up each morning and it’s always the same
expecting to see you, but you’re not there again
but I go on living, what else could I do
my life’s so different now, my life without you

chorus
24/7 I’m always alone
people all around me just statues of stone
they’re not you and I’m not myself
my life’s now just a picture of us on a shelf

verse 2
more time has passed than I have left
I should be grateful my life with you was blessed
every moment was precious, every hour was dear
but I’m left here alone now living my biggest fear

bridge
we fell in like, then we fell in love
spent every day together never thinking of
what might happen in the end
it was much easier to pretend

verse 3
my memories are fading, not sure what is real
my heart is broken not sure what else I can feel
I look for you in the shadows but you’re not there
I live a life of loneliness shrouded with despair

chorus
24/7 I’m always alone
people all around me just statues of stone
they’re not you and I’m not myself
my life’s now just a picture of us on a shelf

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Hobson
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Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by Hobson » April 18th, 2014, 12:24 pm

I like it a lot. I'm not really working on anything on this topic, but the ideas I came up with are the obvious ones. Working all the time. Being connected all the time. Being alone all the time never occurred to me.

There are a couple of lines in the chorus that I would tweak a little. I don't really like "statues of stone." It seems forced.

This line seems ambiguous: "my life’s now just a picture of us on a shelf." Are you on a shelf or is the picture on a shelf? How about "my life's now just our picture placed on a shelf?"

I myself am hoping to get back to some songwriting soon. I have good excuses. Getting ready for possible evacuation due to a nearby forest fire. Trips to Tucson, 160 miles round trip, for husband's eye doctor. I became the sole guitarist for my chorus when the other one dropped out.
Renee

chefie
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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by chefie » April 18th, 2014, 1:14 pm

Thanks for the suggestions Hobson. I'm kinda stuck on the statues of stone line for the moment, maybe someone else will chime in and move my stubbornness. And you're spot on regarding the picture line . . . . . I've already changed it in a rewrite to something very similar to your suggestion. Thanks. And by the way, how familiar are you with Tucson? Been thinking of moving, lately, and I have it in my mind that Tucson would be a possibility, even though I've never been there. And good luck with the fire. Being evacuated is a very scary thing. Happened to me some years back in San Diego. Luckily the fire changed directions only a quarter mile from my house after growing to a 200 mile fire line. Yikes!

Neil

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Vic Lewis VL
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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by Vic Lewis VL » April 18th, 2014, 2:21 pm

Always good to hear from you Neil!

This is a song I actually find quite difficult to come to terms with....it's just over two years since my Marilyn passed away, and your song pretty much sums up the way I feel. Even without music. So a definite 10/10 for striking an emotional chord, and top of the "damn, why didn't I think of that!" list.....

Looking forward to the MP3....

:D :D :D

Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)

chefie
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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by chefie » April 18th, 2014, 2:39 pm

Hi Vic,
This is a song I actually find quite difficult to come to terms with
Yeah, it's difficult being a member of this club when you'd rather not . . . .
Music soon . . . . . I hope.

Thanks,

Neil

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Hobson
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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by Hobson » April 18th, 2014, 4:49 pm

I can't tell you much about Tucson. I only go there to shop and to get good quality medical care, which is world class with the U of A Medical School being there. Phoenix, BTW, has no medical school except a small branch of the U of A, but does have some good hospitals.

The traffic isn't nearly as bad there as in Phoenix. The climate is milder too. If I had to go back to living in a big city (I lived in the Phoenix area for 25 years), I would choose Tucson. The northern part of town is nicer than the southern. The town of Marana is on the northern edge of Tucson and parts of it are very nice, with several resorts.

The freeway between Tucson and Phoenix is inadequate. The hundred mile drive can take 3 or 4 hours when there's an accident.

Lots of people are thinking about moving to Arizona after the harsh winter that the northeastern U.S. has had, or maybe is still having.
Renee

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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by jamestoffee » April 18th, 2014, 8:00 pm

chefie wrote:Hmmm, where is everyone?
My legitimate excuse was a week trip to the Philippines for my sister-in-law's wedding and lots of family activities. :wink:

She asked me to sing a couple of songs; one I wrote called "I Do", the other was a duet of a song called "1,000 Years" that I sang with my 14 yr old daughter....wonderful time! :mrgreen:

I like this line:
"we fell in like, then we fell in love"

Suggestions:
This is already stated in the line above
expecting to see you, but you’re not there again

maybe...
expecting to see you, but only finding pain
....then again it would be better to show instead of tell about the pain

"people all around me just statues of stone"

maybe
people all around me like statues of stone
or
people around might as well be statues of stone
or
can't tell the people from statues of stone

....overall though, as Vic wrote, great job connecting and expressing the emotion.....all the rest is just nit-pickings.....you've got the first things first

Thanks for sharing.

James

chefie
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Re: Y12W24 - 24/7

Post by chefie » April 19th, 2014, 4:37 am

Hi James,
nit-pickings
Maybe, but they're sure a big help. Thanks!

Neil

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