y12 w24/25

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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wilcoman
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Joined: February 12th, 2014, 5:17 pm

y12 w24/25

Post by wilcoman » April 27th, 2014, 9:14 am

C:24/7 news blues all my days
Growing up in a perpetual haze
Death, Greed, and Corruption too
The cycle repeats through and through


Corrupt politicians involved in Abscam
Reagan is selling guns to Iran
Perestroika in the USSR
Chernobyl disaster setting the bar

Tiannemen Square staring down a tank
Trouble never ends in the West bank
The Berlin Wall comes crashing down
The USSR is all but drowned

C:

The Cold War comes to an End
In Iraq the Gulf War begins
Rodney king beaten in the street
OJ’s sitting in the luxury suite

Rwanda massacre and millions dead
Some lives are more important its implicitly said
OKC bomb and homegrown terror
No one ever said that life is fair

C:

jamestoffee
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Re: y12 w24/25

Post by jamestoffee » May 5th, 2014, 1:00 am

Hi wilcoman,

Good start :D Nice mix of world, US and celebrity events.

Suggestion: On the read the rhyming pattern of aabb seems a bit sing-songish.....not too serious....this might fit with the tone of the message when you deliver the song or might not be the right "effect" ....consider playing around with spacing the rhymes farther apart or maybe even a line with no rhyme to subdue the sing-song effect.

"The cycle repeats through and through"
Consider reworking this line as it seems to be overstating the obvious. The definition of a "cycle" could be something that repeats through and through.....It's also in a spotlight position in the chorus where you typically want the title to make the song memorable.


Thanks for sharing.

James

PS Sorry had to go for a while without feedback...I've had those times too at SSG when you ask "Where is everyone?"....but on the other side, life just gets a bit too busy from time to time.....I've been moving house this past week and that definitely is a time consumer :cry:

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Hobson
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Re: y12 w24/25

Post by Hobson » May 8th, 2014, 9:59 am

An interesting idea for a song. I know that songs have been done about news stories, but they generally stick to one time period or tell the history of one place.

Although there's an obvious theme, the song jumps all over the place. Different time periods, different countries, international conflicts to a person accused of a single murder. Some of it is even good news. I think it can be done if you link these things somehow. Maybe if you put more emphasis on the "news blues" or your own perceptions and reactions, it would tie together better.

I think part of the problem is with tenses. Many of the references to historical events are more like memories because you use a sentence fragment with a participle (-ing form of the verb), such as "growing up." You switch back and forth between that and present or present progressive tense. For instance in the line "Reagan is selling guns to Iran" we're suddenly jolted to the 80s.
Renee

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