SSG Year 12 Week 27

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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Geedub81
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SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by Geedub81 » May 7th, 2014, 8:26 am

Newbie/lurker with a confession/disclaimer here...

I've been looking for the chance to post in this forum and a couple of times started writing but didn't get far enough to be able to post anything. When I saw this weeks topic I thought I would post one of my songs but I have two confessions to make: 1) the lyrics are only close to the weekly topic and 2) Although I wrote within just a day or two, I didn't write it during this week nor specifically for this thread and so I'm sure I won't qualify for the grand prize trip. There is a link posted beneath the lyrics to a rough recording I made.

We Are The Song
© Greg Wasberg

V1
We are numbered but cannot be counted
We are seekers alive in the bounty
We are now and we are then
We are there and back again
We are the past, We are present
We are the song

Chorus
We are the song (We are the song)
Alive in the Son (Our Journey goes on)
Our hearts beat as One
Abundantly living in the grace we've been given
We are the song

V2
We are heartbeats we are moments
We are promises unspoken
We are fears and we are dreams
We are the spaces in between
We are the past and we are present
We are the song

V3
We are beginnings without endings
We are moments unrelenting
We are water we are dirt
We are joys and we are hurts
We are the past and we are present
We are the song

https://soundcloud.com/greg-wasberg/we-are-the-song

jamestoffee
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Re: SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by jamestoffee » May 8th, 2014, 4:18 am

Hi Greg,

Welcome to SSG :D

Kudos for getting a song posted. :wink: Unfortunately, I can not hear the recording, but it could be my computer or location. I often have trouble playing songs on soundcloud.com

As far as the lyrics, you've got the nice idea of contrasting concepts going....a bit like Ecclesiastes 3:4 "a time to laugh/ a time to cry"

Suggestion: consider packing in more sensory details and/or concrete images....right now I only see "water" and "dirt" as far as concrete images in the lyrics.....concepts don't really grab the listener/reader as well....take a listen/read to Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler" ....he really gets his ideas across with the concrete images in that one.

Also, consider stating more directly the message/idea....when everything is contrasted, the audience doesn't know what you are trying to say...the lyrics are oscillating between two ideas rather than building ideas in a direction to tell a story/idea....

Remember it's your song, so feel free to take or toss the suggestions as you see fit. :wink:

My apologies for not being able to comment on the music. :cry:

Thanks for sharing.

James

PS I just read this after I posted to you....it relates to my comments about sensory details/concrete images.

Check it out
http://www.successforyoursongs.com/past ... -exercise/

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Hobson
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Re: SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by Hobson » May 8th, 2014, 10:05 am

Some very nice lines, but I'm with James about needing something more concrete. The first few times that I read the lyrics, I couldn't figure out what the song is about. It finally dawned on me that it's religious. That's probably just me, but a listener who is not reading the lyrics won't know that it's "Son," not sun.
Renee

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dhodge
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Re: SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by dhodge » May 10th, 2014, 7:56 am

Hi Greg

Let me add my welcome as well.

While I agree with both James' and Renee's observations, I do get that, for many songwriters (not to mention many songs) this particular style can work. I think that one way to make this particular one work both ways would only take a simple change, replacing some of the "the"s with "His," especially in the chorus:
We are the song (We are the song)
Alive in the His (Our Journey goes on)
Our hearts beat as One
Abundantly living in the grace we've been given
We are His song
Just a thought.

Hope to read and to listen to more of your songs in the future.

Peace

Geedub81
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Re: SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by Geedub81 » May 12th, 2014, 10:13 am

Thanks everyone for reading and/or listening and for your comments! I very much appreciate your feedback and would like to follow up.

This is one of those in which the lyrics came pretty much all at once and it was while I was watching an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine :D . The further I followed the lyrics the more it started to feel like it would fit well in a liturgical setting.

After reading your comments and re-reading the lyrics your comments about needing something more concrete are also useful--especially as I read through the "water and dirt" line in V3. All the other lyrics are abstract/ethereal/mystical and even though there is some symbolism, that line is much more concrete.

The other thought that came to mind is the rhetorical question of how do you know when your "done" writing?

James, the improving your lyrics link was both interesting and will be helpful either with this song or others in the future. Thanks very much!!

jamestoffee
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Re: SSG Year 12 Week 27

Post by jamestoffee » May 12th, 2014, 3:46 pm

Geedub81 wrote:The other thought that came to mind is the rhetorical question of how do you know when your "done" writing?
I just finished reading two great books by Robert Fritz; both very enlightening approaches to creating. (The Path of Least Resistance and Creating)

His response to that question was, "You're done when you've communicated what you intended to communicate" (paraphrased)

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