Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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jamestoffee
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Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 9th, 2014, 6:56 pm

Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

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=====Revised Version 3=====

She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most routines are still snappy
Most of her costumes still hot

Chorus
That’s how the song goes
On with the show
That’s how the song goes
That’s how it goes

They watch her happy dance when they’re happy
They watch her happy dance when they’re not
Most of the bar stools are shabby
Most give dollars on the spot

chorus

instrumental

chorus

She twerks an extra lap dance when the rent’s due
She blows an extra kiss when it’s not
Most just know her by her tattoos
Most just call her Ms. Bangkok

chorus

=====Revised Version 2=====

She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most routines are still snappy
Most of her dancing still hot

Chorus
That’s how the song goes
On with the show
That’s how the song goes
That’s how it goes

They watch her happy dance when they’re happy
They watch her happy dance when they’re not
Most the bar stools are shabby
Most give dollars on the spot

chorus

instrumental

chorus

She twerks an extra lap dance when the rent’s due
She blows an extra kiss when it’s not
Most just know her by her tattoos
Most just leave with who they brought

chorus


=====Revised Version 1=====

She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most routines are still snappy
Most of her dancing still hot

Chorus
That’s how the song goes
On with the show
That’s how the song goes
That’s how it goes

They watch her happy dance when they’re happy
They watch her happy dance when they’re not
Most the bar stools are shabby
Most give dollars on the spot

chorus

instrumental

chorus

She twerks an extra lap dance when the rent’s due
She blows an extra kiss when it’s not
Most nights she tries a new hairdo
Most nights she gives all she’s got

chorus


=====Original Version=====
She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most her scarves and nails are shabby
Most of her costumes are not

Chorus
That’s how the song goes
On with the show
That’s how the song goes
That’s how it goes

They watch her happy dance when they’re happy
They watch her happy dance when they’re not
Most old enough to be her daddy
Most just whistle on the spot

chorus

instrumental

chorus

She twerks an extra lap dance when the rent’s due
She blows an extra kiss when it’s not
Shaves her legs and does her hairdo
Keeps a razor by the tub

chorus
Last edited by jamestoffee on May 22nd, 2014, 7:43 am, edited 6 times in total.

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dhodge
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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by dhodge » May 10th, 2014, 7:48 am

Hi James

Like this a lot. Was actually expecting a trumpet / smallish-big band vibe at the start so was glad to hear it come in later. Can hear a small combo playing this, like a Gypsy Rose Lee song, if one had the time to arrange such a thing.

Not sure the last two lines of the first verse work although I understand that they're there to be a juxtaposition of the importance of appearance as well as the reality of aging (or cosmetic appearance, if you will). But I can't help thinking that the protagonist would probably not work with shabby scarves or nails.

Part of it may be down to starting the lines with "most," as is done in the second verse. Again, doing so makes for a good repetitive hook, so I get why it's there. But I'm just not sure it works. Trying to keep the "most" idea going, you could go with something like this:
She dances a happy dance when she’s happy
She dances a happy dance when she’s not
Most of her routine is still snappy
Most of her dancing is still hot
But I'm not sure that's a good move either! I'm sure you can do better than my attempt!

And obviously you can simply opt out of using "most" to start the lines as you do in verse three. Or you could try to come up with some "most lines for the final verse as well.

As always, looking forward to more.

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 12th, 2014, 1:48 am

Hi David,

Thanks for the listen and post. :D
dhodge wrote:Can hear a small combo playing this, like a Gypsy Rose Lee song, if one had the time to arrange such a thing.
Yes, there was a burlesk, rag-time feel I was imagining.
dhodge wrote:But I can't help thinking that the protagonist would probably not work with shabby scarves or nails.
Agreed....that brings up an interesting point. I've been trying to do more "showing" then "telling" but here the "showing" did not seem to communicate what I was hoping it would tell.

I was trying to communicate that she is poor
"Most her scarves and nails are shabby"...can't afford better

I pictured her as young poor, dancing not b/c she wants to, but b/c she needs the money, but you got the impression she is aging...

....looks like this needs a bit more twerking....or tweaking :lol:

I also didn't like the departure from the "most" in v3 but I liked the idea...maybe I got an idea too clear in my head and it's hard to communicate "that" idea instead of adjusting the idea to something more deliverable.....

well, I'll keep thinking on this one......

Thanks again,

James

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by dhodge » May 12th, 2014, 2:40 am

Hi again, James

I think I clued into the "poor" part (the "rent is due" covers that quite well, in fact) (by "showing," I might add) and understood that as related to the nails and scarves but, as mentioned, it just didn't work. Maybe "cheap" (most of her cheap scarves aren't shabby) would be a better demonstrative idea.

Tweak / twerk away. Sounds like a clock...

Looking forward to more.

Peace

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 12th, 2014, 3:18 am

dhodge wrote:understood that as related to the nails and scarves but, as mentioned, it just didn't work.
Ok....good to know :wink:
dhodge wrote:Tweak / twerk away. Sounds like a clock...
:P

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 12th, 2014, 8:43 pm

***POOF Changes made :mrgreen: *** 2 times :roll:

Ok, David, I went with the aging strip tease performer. I liked how "snappy" served as a "dated" word to go along with the idea of one past their prime.

Thanks for the suggestions :D

....on with the show! :wink:

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by Geedub81 » May 13th, 2014, 6:40 am

Hello James,

I'm a little late to the party to offer a review but I've been wanting to get involved in this forum so better late than never…

The first time I read through your lyrics they evoked a feeling of tawdry sadness that set me up for some of the more direct lines and those contrasting feelings got stronger with the revisions. I also really like the last line "She keeps a rotor by the tub"." Because it follows "Shaves her legs and does her hairdo" it first seems redundant and then a moment later it again evokes a sense of desperation suggesting that she feels pretty miserable about her life and is considering a more final and tragic solution.

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 14th, 2014, 2:26 am

Geedub81 wrote:I've been wanting to get involved in this forum so better late than never…
Never too late to give feedback :wink:
Geedub81 wrote:"She keeps a rotor by the tub"." Because it follows "Shaves her legs and does her hairdo" it first seems redundant and then a moment later it again evokes a sense of desperation suggesting that she feels pretty miserable about her life and is considering a more final and tragic solution.
Yes, you are spot on with what I was going for :mrgreen: .....sorry the line got cut (pun intended :P )

If I can come with a couple new lines for the v1, the original last verse could be kept and it could be about a young dancer dealing with poverty, shame, despair, and bordering on suicide.

Thanks for the listen and feedback :D

James

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by Hobson » May 16th, 2014, 11:16 am

James, I think you've captured the mood very well in verse and music, except for the last line of the last verse:

"Most just leave with who they brought."

I don't picture a lot of women being in this place. It's not where you would take someone on a date.
Renee

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 16th, 2014, 3:25 pm

Hobson wrote:James, I think you've captured the mood very well in verse and music, except for the last line of the last verse:

"Most just leave with who they brought."

I don't picture a lot of women being in this place. It's not where you would take someone on a date.
Agreed. It was a stretch in my mind to see how that would work out. Thanks for catching me on it.... :wink:

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Re: Y12W27 That’s How the Song Goes

Post by jamestoffee » May 19th, 2014, 4:24 am

***POOF*** Changes made :mrgreen:

Most just call her Ms. Bangkok.......and.......Most of her costumes still hot

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