Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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jamestoffee
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Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by jamestoffee » June 29th, 2014, 7:57 am

Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Based on Genesis 29
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?s ... n-ESV-813a

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12841718

=====Revised Version=====

Jacob whispered you’ll be my bride
Gave Rachel’s father seven years of his life

The seven years flew by days
Now the wedding ceremony underway

He made love to his nightingale
She was still in her wedding veil

Daylight came when he went to kiss her
But he had slept with Rachel’s sister

Oh what lies behind this wedding veil betrayal
Oh what lies

The father explained as Jacob cursed
The oldest daughter always marries first

If Jacob still wanted Rachel for his wife
He could give another seven years of his life

Oh what lies behind this wedding veil betrayal 2X
Oh what lies



=====Original Version=====
In Bible times long ago
Love at first sight took control
Jacob said she’ll be my bride
Gave Rachel’s father seven years of his life

The seven years flew by days
Now the wedding ceremony underway
He made love to his nightingale
She was still in her wedding veil

Daylight came when he went to kiss her
But he had slept with Rachel’s sister

Oh what lies behind this wedding veil betrayal 2X

The father explained as Jacob cursed
The oldest daughter always marries first
If Jacob still wanted Rachel for his wife
He could give another seven years of his life

Oh what lies behind this wedding veil betrayal 2X

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John Sargent
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by John Sargent » July 2nd, 2014, 5:28 am

I like the play on the word "lies"
Nice walk down progression on the guitar but it goes on a long time. The thing feels, musically, like it needs a bridge.

jamestoffee
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by jamestoffee » July 2nd, 2014, 5:41 am

Hi John,
John Sargent wrote:Nice walk down progression on the guitar but it goes on a long time. The thing feels, musically, like it needs a bridge.
Yes, something isn't sitting quite right and I haven't figured out a good way to fix it. I'll play around with your suggestions.

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James

jamestoffee
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by jamestoffee » July 2nd, 2014, 6:54 am

***POOF changes made*** :mrgreen: Bridge melody added

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Hobson
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by Hobson » July 3rd, 2014, 12:07 pm

It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion. Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over? This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?
Renee

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John Sargent
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by John Sargent » July 3rd, 2014, 1:49 pm

Hobson wrote:It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion. Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over? This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?
The song is about the betrayal. I think he encapsulated it well. He doesn't have to tell the rest of the story here.

jamestoffee
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by jamestoffee » July 4th, 2014, 5:22 am

Hi Renee,
Hobson wrote:It's a good start and a good story. But it feels like there's not a real conclusion.
Yes, I meant it to be more about the moment-the betrayal.

Maybe I'm not approaching this right, or maybe I need to get better. Last week and this week I was using the song as an interest starter or catalyst to raise the listener's interest and then they would be interested enough to want to know more.

Hobson wrote:Yes, we know that Jacob had to work another 7 years. Did he do that? Did he get to marry the woman he wanted? What happened to the older sister when the 7 years were over?
It's a very interesting story how Jacob, these two sisters and their maid servants produce the 12 sons that become the nation of Israel....but again, that would all be too much to fit into one song, so it's to be a interest generator for the questions you bring up in the listener's mind.
Hobson wrote:This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion.
I read recently how Bob Dylan liked the idea of a song being beyond the limits of time in that the songs would be on a type of loop where the end of the song is the beginning of the song....I'm not looping this song but trying to find a stopping point where the focus is on the betrayal itself....this is one event in a story of cause/effects in a historical time line
Hobson wrote:This song is in a ballad style, which generally follows the story to its conclusion. Also, what's the moral of the story? (Not that we need one.) Is it to follow society's rules, to not trust people, to make sure you know what you're getting, to be patient and you'll eventually get what you want?
This is where I think it would be good for the listener to draw their own conclusions. They are facts recorded and the outcome of those facts recorded and can be traced to modern problems in the middle east.

I'll probably leave this as is for now as I am experimenting with different aspects of songwriting, but I do appreciate your critiques as to what is or is not hitting the mark for you (and potentially other listeners).

Thanks for the listen and post :D


James

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Hobson
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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by Hobson » July 4th, 2014, 9:11 am

There wouldn't be so many kinds of music if personal tastes didn't vary. I've written my share of lyrics that other people found incomplete or vague or unclear or internally inconsistent or just not very good. As always, any comments that I post are nothing but my own humble opinion.
Renee

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Re: Y12W35 Wedding Veil Betrayal

Post by jamestoffee » July 4th, 2014, 4:58 pm

Hobson wrote: As always, any comments that I post are nothing but my own humble opinion.
That's all any of us can do, still I appreciate your time to listen and give feedback :wink:

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