Y12W48 - Seven Saturdays Ago

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
Post Reply
User avatar
Hobson
Senior Member
Posts: 794
Joined: May 15th, 2009, 10:46 am
Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Y12W48 - Seven Saturdays Ago

Post by Hobson » October 9th, 2014, 7:09 am

A bit late. Life got in the way, but it got done.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_so ... D=12938226

verse:

Seven Saturdays ago
I watched you pack
You said we'd still be friends although
You didn't look back.

chorus:

I don't remember when it started.
All the signs I disregarded
Before you said you had to go
Seven Saturdays ago.

verse:

You made the best coffee.
Never demanding.
We'd talk until three
You were so understanding,


chorus

verse:

I found a blouse that wasn't mine.
It was your size.
Maybe left there by design.
You'd told enough lies.

chorus
Renee

jamestoffee
Guitarnoise Addict
Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y12W48 - Seven Saturdays Ago

Post by jamestoffee » October 9th, 2014, 9:54 pm

Hi Renee,

Interesting subject :D I like the minimal approach.

Suggestions:

Consider revising the verse order to this.....

verse:

You made the best coffee.....maybe it could be more like a patient shopper or enthusiastic shopper....typically something men hate to do or wait around doing....or add didn't mind when I asked you to hold my purse....etc
Never demanding.
We'd talk until three
You were so understanding,

chorus:

I don't remember when it started.
All the signs I disregarded
Before you said you had to go
Seven Saturdays ago....Consider if there is a number and thing that would be more suggestive or foreshadowing of the situation.....right now I see the number and day as arbitrary.....maybe something about clearing the closets as in parallel with coming out the of the closet....or something about Spring cleaning...etc.

verse: -nice verse...it says a lot with minimal words

I found a blouse that wasn't mine.
It was your size.
Maybe left there by design.
You'd told enough lies.

chorus

Seven Saturdays ago
I watched you pack
You said we'd still be friends although
You didn't look back.

chorus


Thanks for sharing :D

James

User avatar
Hobson
Senior Member
Posts: 794
Joined: May 15th, 2009, 10:46 am
Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Re: Y12W48 - Seven Saturdays Ago

Post by Hobson » October 11th, 2014, 8:23 am

James, thanks for the listen and suggestions.

I don't know about changing the order of the verses. There is the reveal in the last verse.

Agreed that the "seven Saturdays" is somewhat arbitrary. But it is about the right length of time to have gotten over the shock enough to be able to think back on what happened.

I may add a verse about getting rid of his things.
Renee

Post Reply