Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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Hobson
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Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

Post by Hobson » October 24th, 2014, 10:50 am

I have some music in mind, but no time to work on recording yet. Here are the lyrics so far:

verse:

You think what I say can't be true
Because I don't think like you.
You think that I don't have a clue
Because I don't live like you.

chorus:

In a perfect world
We'd live and let live.
In a perfect world
We wouldn't take. We'd give.
In a perfect world.

verse:

The loudest speaker isn't always right.
His words are chosen to incite.
When did we forget how to tolerate?
When did we reject civil debate?

chorus

bridge:

In a perfect world.
In a perfect world.
It will never be
A perfect world.

verse:

Tailgate parties used to be fun.
Now I'm afraid at the stadium.
I might have to duck and cover
Just for wearing different colors.

chorus

verse:

Whoever is your deity,
I hope that you will pray with me
For tolerance and respect
In a world that isn't perfect.

chorus
Renee

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dhodge
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Re: Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

Post by dhodge » October 25th, 2014, 1:10 pm

Hi Renee

Very concise and clear message here. My question is whether or not the third verse truly fits in with the other three. While it certainly conveys the overall message, the scope and setting is a lot narrower and personal than the general universal sense of the other three verses. Maybe it's good that it breaks things up a bit, but it also seems to disrupt the general flow of the rest of the song.

Of course, the music you chose may make this observation totally moot!

Looking forward to hearing it at some point. And, as always, looking forward to more.

Peace

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Re: Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

Post by Hobson » October 25th, 2014, 1:29 pm

David, thanks for the read and comments. You're probably right about the third verse. I had already considered discarding it. The third verse was the first one that I wrote, so it's hard to let go. I had intended to come up with additional concrete verses, but the more revisions I went through, the more general they became.
Renee

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dhodge
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Re: Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

Post by dhodge » October 25th, 2014, 8:19 pm

Totally understand about the "hard to let go" aspect. But it certainly served its purpose by inspiring the rest of the song. And, as these things usually go, it will probably end up creating another song at some point. That's one of the cool things about songwriting - writing one song more often than not sows the seeds for two to five more.

And as for the general vs. specific - there are certainly excellent songs in both camps. Someone in one of the songwriting workshops I teach brought up how "Teach Your Children" was a great example of a universally general song that tends to reach listeners in specific personal ways even though there's not a specific line in it.

Peace

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Re: Y12W51 - In a Perfect World

Post by jamestoffee » October 26th, 2014, 1:21 am

Hi Rene,

Good start. :D I agree with David's comments. I'm glad he pointed out a positive aspect for the "general camp" because everything I keep reading focuses on sensory details and metaphors and their importance to bring the listener in.

Vs3 definitively stands out from the others, but has the most details. It seems like a problem might be arising from an undefined listener. It seems to shift who the singer is singing to.

V1 2nd person direct to someone who does not agree with the singer

V2 3rd person, but who is the "we" is it the singer and the person in v1? or is the loud person the person in v1....then who is the "we"?

V3 is the first reference to a place....but now the POV is 1st person....who is being sung to?

V4 is back to 2nd person, but who is the "your"? Is it back to the you in the first verse?

....so having a clear person in mind who this is being sung to, in a clear time and place reference could help focus the lyrics/message.

...having these 4 conversations as if they are all one conversation between a singer and listener makes it unrealistic....each idea is realistic on its own, but mixed together detracts from the message.

Thanks for sharing.

James

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