Y13W4 The Last of Us

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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jamestoffee
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Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Y13W4 The Last of Us

Post by jamestoffee » November 27th, 2014, 12:27 am

Y13W4 The Last of Us

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12982520

It’s not your first dinner in silence
It’s not my first sales trip entertaining clients
But it’s looking like the last of us

It’s not your first poisoning smirk
It’s not my first night to stay late at work
But it’s looking like the last of us

That first kiss got us pretty far
We had each other and a second hand car

It’s not my first booth at a 3 AM diner
It’s not your first time to break all the china
But it’s looking like the last of us

It’s not my first night on the sofa
It’s not your first call to your sister in Tacoma
But it’s looking like the last of us

That first home put us pretty on a hill
We had each other and a pile of bills

It’s not our first vacant nursery
It’s not our first icy anniversary
But it’s looking like the last of us

chefie
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Posts: 549
Joined: January 18th, 2005, 12:45 am
Location: Tucson, Az

Re: Y13W4 The Last of Us

Post by chefie » November 28th, 2014, 1:14 pm

Hi James,

Overall I really like what you've done . . . . . the tone and expression. I wonder if the 2 line sentiment followed by "it's looking like the last of us" is a little too brief. I normally don't do this, but I played around with this, added another line or 2 just to see if it might work better.
It’s not your first dinner in silence
It’s not my first sales trip entertaining clients
It’s not my first night to stay late at work
It’s not your first poisoning smirk

There’s something I think we should discuss
it’s looking like the last of us

It’s not my first booth at a 3 AM diner
It’s not your first time to break all the china
It’s not my first night sleeping on the sofa
It’s not your first call to your sister in Tacoma

There’s something I think we should discuss
it’s looking like the last of us

That first kiss got us pretty far
We had each other and a second hand car
That first home put us pretty on a hill
We had each other and a pile of bills

It’s not our first vacant nursery
It’s not our first icy anniversary
It’s not our first argument
where we disagree

Maybe there’s nothing to discuss
it’s looking like the last of us
Just an idea . . . . . .

Neil

jamestoffee
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Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y13W4 The Last of Us

Post by jamestoffee » November 28th, 2014, 3:52 pm

Hi Neil,

Thanks for the feedback and taking the time to lay out a different arrangement.

I tried playing around with the longer verses, but I don't write enough in that style to have a lot of musical phrases to draw on.

The basic idea I used melodically for this one was "The Nearness of You" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKG75btADmA

I do like the idea of the setup line with "discuss" rhyme, but when I try to sing it the rhyme sounds too forced or comical or trite....

Thanks again for the feedback. It helps point to more room for improvement ;)

-James

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