Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
Post Reply
User avatar
Vic Lewis VL
Albus Dumblechord
Posts: 10862
Joined: April 28th, 2004, 2:54 pm
Location: Newton-le-Willows, England
Contact:

Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

Post by Vic Lewis VL » November 27th, 2014, 4:31 am

Umm.... where to begin. It's. been a while since I wrote anything...Y12 W16 to be precise. This is sort of inspired by a Facebook post by Karen Berger about sad songs.... I thought to myself, I really should start writing again. A scan through the 170+ songs I've written for the SSG revealed that in the last 10 years I've written exactly TWO shiny happy love songs...and although life's a little less grim these days, I can't see that changing anytime soon. So... pen to paper and this is what I came up with....

The Last Time I Smiled.

I remember the last time I was here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye my whole world turned,
I was flying so high then I crashed and burned....

I remember the last time I saw your face,
Tubes and IVs all over the place,
A tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss,
I never thought it'd end like this....

That was the last time I ever smiled,
But I've still got those memories,
Of the last time we touched, the last time we kissed,
And those good times will always stay with me.

I remember the last time you shouted at me,
When I changed the channel on the TV,
I'd give anything to write one last line,
I'd give everything to see you one last time...

The last time I ever smiled,
Was the last time I saw your face,
Three steps to heaven was always our song,
You're there now and I'm in a bad place....

:-) :-) :-)

Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)

jamestoffee
Guitarnoise Addict
Posts: 2882
Joined: November 22nd, 2008, 4:53 am

Re: Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

Post by jamestoffee » November 27th, 2014, 5:10 am

Hi Vic,

Great to see you posting again :D

Suggestions: V1 is about you and the other verses about "US"...consider cutting v1 or changing it to plurals

I remember the last time WE WERE here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye OUR whole world turned,
WE WERE flying so high then WE crashed and burned....

...ALSO consider changing the verse order.....

I remember the last time I was here,
The future looked good, nothing to fear,
Then in a blink of an eye my whole world turned,
I was flying so high then I crashed and burned....

That was the last time I ever smiled,
But I've still got those memories,
Of the last time we touched, the last time we kissed,
And those good times will always stay with me.

I remember the last time you shouted at me,
When I changed the channel on the TV,
I'd give anything to write one last line,
I'd give everything to see you one last time...

I remember the last time I saw your face,
Tubes and IVs all over the place,
A tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss,
I never thought it'd end like this....

The last time I ever smiled,
Was the last time I saw your face,
Three steps to heaven was always our song,
You're there now and I'm in a bad place....

User avatar
Vic Lewis VL
Albus Dumblechord
Posts: 10862
Joined: April 28th, 2004, 2:54 pm
Location: Newton-le-Willows, England
Contact:

Re: Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

Post by Vic Lewis VL » November 27th, 2014, 5:32 am

Thanks as always for your input, JT. You hit the nail on the head re inconsistencies - I'll definitely change that first verse. Not sure about changing verse orders though....I can see what you"re getting at, but what I was trying for was V V C V C....

I'll have another look, I'll keep your advice in mind, and let's see if it can get better....like I said, it's been a while since I wrote anything at all....

:D :D :D

Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)

chefie
Senior Member
Posts: 549
Joined: January 18th, 2005, 12:45 am
Location: Tucson, Az

Re: Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

Post by chefie » November 28th, 2014, 12:56 pm

Hi Vic,

Nice to see you back! Just a few suggestions. There's a lot of emotion here and difficult to sort out. Lots of repetition, too. I was wondering if you started with your second verse as your first . . . . . and although I understand the IV's and tubes, not sure it works with the direction . . . . . how about something like
I remember the last time I saw your face
a hospital room, our last embrace
a tearful farewell and a goodbye kiss
I never thought It’d end like this
Then if you did all you last times starting out
and there were other last times that I recall
The last time you yelled at me . . . .
and so on
And ending up with the Last time I smiled . . . . . .

Too, I don't know that "bad place" is the best description of where you end up.
Lonely, confused, dark . . . . . I dunno, just a thought.

Neil

User avatar
Hobson
Senior Member
Posts: 794
Joined: May 15th, 2009, 10:46 am
Location: Near Tombstone, Arizona, USA

Re: Y13, W4 - The Last. Time I Smiled

Post by Hobson » November 29th, 2014, 9:42 am

It's a good start and I'm amazed that you're to the point that you can write about it.

Not sure, but I think that what you wrote is all verses with no chorus. If that's the case, your rhyming pattern changes a couple of times. That may be intentional, but take another look at it.

As has been mentioned, it is a bit repetitive. One way to approach it is to find a way to make each line add to the story.

For example, instead of this:

Tubes and IVs all over the place,

How about:

Tubes and machines. There was no embrace,

I agree that something needs to be done with the last line:

You're there now and I'm in a bad place....

Try this:

You're there now and I'm still in this place...

Or:

You're there now and I am misplaced...
Renee

Post Reply