Year 14 Week 13 If I Were A KIng

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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Celt
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Year 14 Week 13 If I Were A KIng

Post by Celt » January 28th, 2016, 1:30 pm

No Recording this week.Still working out some issues with the new setup.

If I Were A King

She told me her stories of hearts how they break
And I sang her a song about love's give and take
And when we finished the smoke and drank most the wine
She kissed me and said “ All I ask is your time”

Her touch was as soft a satin and lace
And we laid there for hours in a warm sweet embrace
My heart full of passion that knew no extremes
As I felt her soft breath while she haunted my dreams

If I were a King then she'd be my Queen
And if I were a prophet she'd be Magdalene
If she were an Angel I swear I'd be her grace
If all that we measured was the love that we make

The morning rose and it shone in our eyes
And as we awoke I soon realized
With this lady beside me was where I belonged
She is my reason my muse and my song

If I were a King then she'd be my Queen
And if I were a prophet she'd be Magdalene
If she were an Angel I swear I'd be her grace
If all that we measured was the love that we make

If I were a King then she'd be my Queen
And if I were a prophet she'd be Magdalene
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" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt

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Hobson
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Re: Year 14 Week 13 If I Were A KIng

Post by Hobson » January 30th, 2016, 1:00 pm

An excellent start. It's hard to write a love song with any new ideas, but I think you've got one here.

Is the Magdelene that you're referring to Mary Magdelene or the queen of Denmark from the 1700s? Im thinking Mary Magdelene, but I find that a little confusing.

A couple of lines are unclear or clumsy.

In v.1, "And when we finished the smoke and drank most the wine" is awkward meter and not grammatical.

In v.2, "As I felt her soft breath while she haunted my dreams" isn't a great fit. Maybe find a different word than "haunted." How about something like filled? And in this line you're asleep, while obviously you're awake in the rest of the verse. So I suggest: Then I felt her soft breath while she filled my dreams.

In v.4, I think this is an awkward line: "With this lady beside me was where I belonged"
Renee

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Re: Year 14 Week 13 If I Were A KIng

Post by Celt » February 1st, 2016, 6:24 am

Thanks Renee,

Magdalene refers to the Biblical Mary Magdalene or more so to the Legendary
character as much of what is believed about her in popular culture is not Biblical.
The "haunted my dreams" actually came out of another idea I was working on so it
may be out of place here. I could change that and save it for something else.I do
think the "awkward" lines work well in the musical setting I"m working with but
that has already changed once. All good thoughts to keep in mind as the piece grows.

Thanks
John
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Celt
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Re: Year 14 Week 13 If I Were A KIng

Post by Celt » February 1st, 2016, 6:24 am

OOPS Double Post
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" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt

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