Y14W13 If...Please

The Sunday Songwriters club is a stretching exercise for your mind. Arpeggios for the brain cells, so to speak. After all, writing is like playing - to get better, you have to practice.
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LingDar
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Y14W13 If...Please

Post by LingDar » January 31st, 2016, 8:31 am

So, I decided that I would do minor pentatonic shapes 1 and 2. To practice them.

The first 3 lines the music is going from low to high on shape 1 and the last three going down in shape 2

Here are the words
I'll work on recording later. I had a horribly hard time coming up with words.

If... Please

If I could
I would go
To wherever
Anyplace or Time
I am listenin'
Please speak to me

If I just knew
I would do
Anything you want
I would create
I would destroy
Please just tell me

If you would speak
I would listen
Cherish your voice
Hear your words
Do great works
Or terrible deeds

If you just spoke
I would hear you
Do anything
Be anything
Anything you want
I'd be someone

Celt
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Re: Y14W13 If...Please

Post by Celt » February 1st, 2016, 6:43 am

I like the minimalist approach to the lyrics.
The minor pentatonic should give it a good feel
to go along with the yearning feel of the lyrics.
The last line: "
LingDar wrote:I'd be someone
It seems out of place. I would suggest you stay closer to the pleading
feel of the rest of the song and just end it with something like "Please"

Good Job

John
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" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt

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Hobson
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Re: Y14W13 If...Please

Post by Hobson » February 3rd, 2016, 6:41 am

Simply changing the last word of the song from "someone" to "anyone" would make the verse fit better.

Not sure that I like the sentiment of totally adapting to the other person to keep her, but I get it and you've done a good job with expressing that.

Verse without rhyme is tough to work with. I think that the music has to be catchy to make it work.
Renee

LingDar
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Re: Y14W13 If...Please

Post by LingDar » February 6th, 2016, 11:04 pm

Thanks for reviewing. I see the last line doesn't work do great in this version. I worked better in the first version, but I messed up and had too many measures for the music. I think I will change it to "please just please" or "please".

As for the changeing for a girl, this is about God not a girl. But re reading it I can see that it could apply to both, perils/benefits of using vague language. But that's okay as I am more interested in communicating an emotional state/feeling than a story.

Celt
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Re: Y14W13 If...Please

Post by Celt » February 7th, 2016, 7:48 am

Wow I never thought of the spiritual aspect of it.
Interesting take on the subject.
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" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt

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