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A few musician jokes ....

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 Narn
(@narn)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 192
Topic starter  

A few jokes I hunted down on the web.

These are clean and pretty mild, but most are worth a chuckle.

Guitarist finishes gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he'd like a scotch before he goes home. The player says 'sure' and the barman plonks down a big glass of the juice and a little bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the gun guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere a little voice says 'great gig man, you're one hot picker'.

The player looks at the barman and says 'thanks' and the barman says 'what for' and the player says 'for sayin' nice things about my work'. the barman says ' I didn't say nothing'.

The guitarist thinks it's late and he's a bit spaced so he'd better head off when another little voice says 'yeah great licks man and nice moves too, you sure cut it up there'. The guitar player turns around and says 'thanks' but there's nobody there. The feller at the bar says 'are you ok?' cause the picker looks a bit pale and the guitarist says 'yeah, I think so'.

Then, as he empties his glass another voice says 'hot licks, great look, wonderful style man, the chicks sure got off on you' and the bloke says 'OK! THAT'S IT! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?'

The barman runs down and says 'what's your problem dude?' to which the guitarist says 'WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA?'

'What voices? What are they saying?' when the guitarist tells the barman what was going on and what was said, the barman says 'oh that'll be the peanuts man, they're complementary!'

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Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.

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Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how hard you throw it.

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How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

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What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

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What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

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How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.

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How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

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What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

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Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

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What's the first thing a musician says at work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

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How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.

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What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
They both suck without Cream

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Why are a guitarist's fingers like lighting?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

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What's the smartest thing a guitar player can say?
"My wife says..."

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An acoustic guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.
"Thank you, oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, grateful to the acoustic guitarist. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you three wishes - but I must caution you that whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist in the world will receive double" explains the genie.

"Not a problem" says the acoustic guitarist.

"Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master?"

"$10 million in small bills" says the acoustic guitarist unhesitatingly.

"Good choice, Master" and poof! Right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every electric guitarist in the world now has $20 million in their account.

"And your next wish, Master?"

"A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar and presto! Right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlayed and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen. And of course every electric guitarist now has two of these guitars in their living rooms, knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.

"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master. What is your final wish?"

The acoustic guitarist thinks for a minute, rubs his chin, squints at the bright sky, and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

"You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566


   
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(@musenfreund)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 22 years ago
Posts: 5108
 

:lol:

Well we all shine on--like the moon and the stars and the sun.
-- John Lennon


   
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(@taylorr)
Prominent Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 736
 

Those are great, all of them, except the last one. Ive heard it a lot. They are all hilarious though (i like the 2nd one and the first one most).

aka Izabella


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I thought the last one was best!!!

:D :D :D

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
none ........they get the roadies to plug it in........

What did Dylan say when he saw the guitarist trying to change the light bulb?
"It's getting dark, too dark to see..........."

there are many more - especially light-bulb jokes - but it's late over here.....so I'll leave you with this one..........

Remember Rick Astley? He was due to go in the studio to record a new single, Messrs Stock, Aitken and Waterman are ther waiting for him.....for about 3 hours, not a phone call or a message......so Waterman says,"I know where he lives, I'll go and get him...."

So he goes to Rick Astleys house, knocks on the door......Rick answers, red eyes, puffed up face, streaming nose......he's got flu.......

So Waterman says. "Is there anything I can do for you Rick?"

Astley replies, "Yeah, you could go to the supermarket and get me some chicken soup........."

So Waterman goes off, gets to the supermarket, bumps into Steve Lillywhite......."hello Pete, says Steve, what you doing here?"

"Getting a tin of chicken soup for Rick Astley" replies Waterman......

"Yeah, that's a good deal," replies Lilywhite............

:) :) :)

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@ghost-rider)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 267
 

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

Thanks Narn for the laughs! I needed that. :lol:

And Vic's Dylan Joke was great! Thanks guys

Regards,

~ghost~ 8)

"Colour made the grass less green..." 3000 miles, Tracy Chapman


   
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