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a tear on both cheeks


(@orange-armada)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 36
Topic starter  

I wrote this song just recently. The other day I moved from the east coast of canada to the west coast, and had to leave my girlfriend behind. I wrote it while she was inside crying and I was outside in the freezing cold just trying to handle my emotions. then this song came to my mind as I looked up into the constalations. figured hell, if Im gonna have to go through this, might as well write this stuff down :D

A Tear on both cheeks
-----------------------------

The night sky is so different here
On the edge of my world
a tear on both cheeks
as the streetlight shines down upon me

a tear on both cheeks
and you in my arms
the pain can never take away the good
under orions belt
we'll always be together
as long as those stars continue to burn

I cant feel the cold anymore
Those stars will guide me back to you

a tear on both cheeks
and you in my arms
The pain can never take away the good
under Orions belt
we'll always be together
as long as those stars continue to burn

The end is not the end
you'll always be with me
in my heart
and underneith the stars

im playing around with it right now, so any questions/comments/critisisms are welcome and encouraged. I havnt made the music to it yet, but it feels like an acoustic song to me, very emotional and raw during the chorus.

my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board


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 Taso
(@taso)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

I like the idea, still together as long as there are stars up above. Very romantic, very poetic. Nice lyrics in general, I was just wondering, what do you mean by

"As the lights shine brightly down upon me" ? I get the rest, but that slips past me.

Nice job,
Taso

http://taso.dmusic.com/music/


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(@dan-t)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 5072
 

I can get the feeling of this being a heartfelt acoustic song too. I'm not seeing the line Taso mentioned, so I'm guessing you changed it.
One last thing. I came to this songwriting forum to give some feedback, and didn't quite appreciate your little comment on the bottom:
"my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board.... so f*ck off you thief!"
If that's the attitude you are going to take around here, I doubt if you'll be getting much feedback. Just trying to help out, take it or leave it.

"The only way I know that guarantees no mistakes is not to play and that's simply not an option". David Hodge


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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 8306
 

I don't know much about structure but I can say it's a moving song. I almost cried while reading it. Hope that helps.


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 Mike
(@mike)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2931
 

Do these lyrics that place during the departure or after?


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(@alangreen)
Member Moderator
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 5366
 

I think the four lines beginning "the end is not the end" should be at the end, as a last verse. I'm looking for something in the middle, to develop the opening verse a bit more.

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


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 Nils
(@nils)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2896
 

I got the message. I would work on rearranging it a little to boost the middle.

Finish this, send her a plane ticket and write the reunion song.

Nice job. Stick with it.

Nils' Page - Guitar Information and other Stuff
DMusic Samples


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(@orange-armada)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 36
Topic starter  

"As the lights shine brightly down upon me"
Ive revised this line so it would make a little more sense. This is the new line:
"As the streetlight shines down upon me"

"my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board.... so f*ck off you thief!"
This line obviously wasnt directed at you then. no disrespect intended, just didnt want to here someone singing my song at a show one day unless it was me :)

These lyrics take place in the middle of the ordeal. I litterally wrote it while I was outside and she was inside crying. I pulled out a pen and paper and wrote them down.

funny, I was thinking of putting that "the end is not the end" verse there as well. Im also working on another paragraph to lead into the Chorus.

Im working on the plane ticket ;)

my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board


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 Mike
(@mike)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2931
 

"As the lights shine brightly down upon me"
Ive revised this line so it would make a little more sense. This is the new line:
"As the streetlight shines down upon me"

Sounds too city like. Maybe try this if you like it -

"As the moon casts its shadow beyond me."

To me, it gives a feeling that you are noticed and it relates to the stars as well.

Mike


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