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As of yet untitled and unfinished - Help please!

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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

Hey there everybody

What I've got here is a song I started writing, and sort of got stuck on. I have no idea where to go with it. I'm just wondering what sort of impressions and vibe other people get from it in the hopes that it may inspire me to work with it more because there are parts I really like.

Untitled

Ear to the street, head in the clouds
He's got a one track mind
Always searching, high and low
For something he can't find
His electronic mother and his chubby little brother
Wait for him at home
But he's turned away, for the very last time
Struck out on his own

That road isn't easy
Can't see around the next bend
He's keeping his head up
Not asking if, only when

Some years on, meets that special one
But just for one night
His greatest love disappears
Into dawn's grey light
Still he's happy, just a little confused
What's a poor boy to do?
He goes on alone, a little wiser now
For being used and abused

And that road can get lonely
But he doesn't mind
So he's marching on
Not feeling sorry, just asking why
_______________________________

Thanks for any help,
Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

Oh yeah, and feel free to critique any other aspect of the song as well. I just wanna learn :)

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 281
 

hey there! i really liked your song i thought it was very good! i dont really know what you want to do with it, you got the main body of the song you just need to move it all around and get structure to it and tweak it. But other than that i am interested to read your other stuff too if it is as good as this!


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

hi there

Ear to the street, head in the clouds
He's got a one track mind
Always searching, high and low
For something he can't find
His electronic mother and his chubby little brother
Wait for him at home
But he's turned away, for the very last time
Struck out on his own

That road isn't easy
Can't see around the next bend
He's keeping his head up
Not asking if, only when

Some years on, meets that special one
But just for one night
His greatest love disappears
Into dawn's grey light
Still he's happy, just a little confused
What's a poor boy to do?
He goes on alone, a little wiser now
For being used and abused

And that road can get lonely
But he doesn't mind
So he's marching on
Not feeling sorry, just asking why

That road isn't easy
Can't see around the next bend
He's keeping his head up
Not asking if, only when

( fading)
His electronic mother and his chubby little brother
Wait for him at home
His electronic mother and his chubby little brother
Wait for him at home

oh well that's how I would do it

Cheers

L.K

Aghhhh

Not only am I a senior citizen

I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

thanks lk, that's a good idea. That's really what I was looking for, a way to wrap it up. The repeated mother brother line makes it sound like the character is continuing on but still provides a sense of conclusion to the song.

Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
ReplyQuote