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(@urbnite)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 20
Topic starter  

hi all -

first time poster here, just stumbled across this site and thought i'd chime in with something i wrote today. haven't really shared my lyrics with folks i don't know since they're what i'm most apprehensive about, but this site seems like a good place for feedback. so feel free to share any thoughts - all input's much appreciated.

thanks!

-d

sitting in a
sad & lonely parking lot
wishing i were
on a train that never stops
a train would take me away
away
take me away from you
away
take me away from you

the weather
seems somehow off today
perception
broken down, blown away
imagining a world without you
a world
a world that's without you
a world
a world that's without you

[chorus]
what do i have to
do to get out of this place
what do i have to
pay to get out of this place
who do i have to kill
to get the hell out of here

i do love
all the crazy sh** you say
but really
hate the way you make me pay
i'm broke and broken from you
broke and
broken by you
broken and
broken by you

[chorus]


   
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(@guitargeek)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 281
 

hey there, welcome! Overall i like the general feel of your song, it started off very intriging and strong and the rhyming is interesting. I wasnt too sure about the chorus though, it wasnt as good as the verses!


   
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(@musicmaniac221)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 148
 

lots of imagery here, I like it.

Do what you love, love what you do
http://www.acidplanet.com
-Nick


   
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(@urbnite)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 20
Topic starter  

Overall i like the general feel of your song, it started off very intriging and strong and the rhyming is interesting. I wasnt too sure about the chorus though, it wasnt as good as the verses!

thanks man - yeah the chorus is probably a little weaker in all that than the verses. it's just a kinda angry chorus. :roll:

thanks guys for both your responses. :)


   
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(@musicmaniac221)
Estimable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 148
 

jeez man, the chorus isnt the only angry part...its the whole song...get that anger out tho...its healthy...lol!

Do what you love, love what you do
http://www.acidplanet.com
-Nick


   
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