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Cheeks Turn Red

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larss7on
(@larss7on)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

I dont write many songs lol , this is my second one ever but i quite like it so i'm sure this is the place to go if i wanna make it better

Here goes

Cheeks Turn Red

They looked like lovers
In the Late Afternoon
He tore off the covers
N she said “baby not so soon”

"Cos I just wanna lay with you
While we lie here in your bed
And darling I'm gonna kiss you
Im gonna kiss you , I'm gonna kiss you
Until your cheeks turn red."

They felt like lovers
In their candle lit duvet
She slid down his body
N he asked if everythings ok

"Cos I just wanna make it perfect.
To keep that smile upon your face
And baby we're gonna make love
We're gonna make love, We're gonna make love
Until your cheeks turn red."

SOLO

They smiled like lovers
While the stars shined in their eyes
They turned to each other
Each pleasantly surprised.

Cos Everytime before now
Its been the same as the past
But this time its special
Its special , Its special
Lets make it last

But this time its special
It's special , It's special
Lets make it last


   
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Snoogans775
(@snoogans775)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 297
 

reminds me of "get down, make love" by Queen

first off, I would not want to memorize this song for a show, in other words, the repetition is too much, you've gotta keep the song moving, never let it plateau for too long, and this song is straight as a laser, and especially with this stuff, it begs for power, and real intensity, listen to that queen song, you'll see what I'm talking about

I don't get why you say they are "like lovers", they are lovers

I like the Al Green spin, talking about making it last

other than that, this is cool stuff, I jsut hope you have a wah pedal :D

I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!


   
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gmilam
(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 159
 

I actually got a total country feel off this one. Like a Toby Keith or some of the other ALT-COUNTRY groups out there.

The only real comment is this:

They felt like lovers
In their candle lit duvet

duvets sounds out of context with the simplicity of the other lyrics. It sounds like you just wanted to add something more complex in there.

I think candle lit room or something like that would be better.

I think it has good meter and I really like the chorus, but I would make it "until OUR cheecks turn red" This way they both get to have some fun!

Keep writing!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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gmilam
(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 159
 

I would continue that theme of "Our Cheeks turn red" and make the whole thing 1st person.

We looked like lovers
In the Late Afternoon
I tore off the covers
N you said “baby not so soon”

etc....

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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larss7on
(@larss7on)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

thanks for the feedback :)

totally understand what your saying....applied some changes etc

thanks all :)


   
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dragona43
(@dragona43)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 34
 

um, what kind of cheeks! jk, na, seriously, i think it's good, just a little repetitive, and I'm not sure what style you're thinking of here... :shock: :shock: :P :P :roll: :shock: :shock:

ie an'tce eakspe igpe atinle!!
the first legal high is spinning around!!


   
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larss7on
(@larss7on)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

wow i wrote that song 4-5yrs ago lol .... I think thats the last song i wrote too ( too busy with the classical guitar)

cheers for the feedback all.

http://www.richardcallaghanguitar.com


   
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larss7on
(@larss7on)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10
Topic starter  

my bad i joined 4-5yr agpo , that song is from 2004 lol


   
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saint_duud
(@saint_duud)
Trusted Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 52
 

Out of curiosity, can I ask, what sort of style are you thinking of for this? Just curious what I should be hearing when I read the words, you know what I mean?


   
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