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Clear my mind

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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
Topic starter  

Bartender leave the bottle
So I can clear my mind
Of a memory that keeps haunting me
Of a love I left behind

I was tempted by another
And was overcome with lust
Then lost a love of a lifetime
When she lost all her trust

Clear my mind of the footsteps
That walked softly up the stairs
The smell of her perfume
And her long brown wavy hair
I've tried waiting, I've tried dating
But in the end I find
Bartender leave the bottle
So I can clear my mind

My tears burn like whiskey
And my blood is ninty proof
There's no one to blame but me
As I face the bitter truth

So I'll sit here,tonite
Clear my mind in this old bar
With a bottle in my left hand
In my right a broken heart.

Clear my mind of the footsteps
That walked softly up the stairs
The smell of her perfume
And her long brown wavy hair
I've tried waiting, I've tried dating
But in the end I find
Bartender leave the bottle
So I can clear my mind

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
 

The rhyme & meter seem to be very good indeed - no changes necessary here. I especially like verses 3 & 4, I think they are killer material.

The only issue I have is that the story being told, and the imagery used, is all fairly generic. Girl with nice perfume and long brown wavy hair? I think she's appeared in about 1,000,000 songs to date. Guy at bar drinking his sorrows away? I think he has a fair number of appearance credits as well. It's ok to use these characters in your song but you should find some way of describing them that is new and memorable. Dig out some juicy new words or metaphors that have never been used in this context before.

Like I said the imagery and use of metaphor in v3/v4 is really good; it would be nice if the rest of the song were original like these lines and not just a rehash of a dozen country/blues songs I've heard before.

Happy writing.


   
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(@zaiga)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 64
 

I disagree with the previous poster. I think the lyrics are original enough, and I don't think there's really much change needed. I like the flow, the rhyme, the imagery, everything.

One thing though... How do you smell her brown wavy hair? Or do you mean that you want to clear your mind of the image of her long brown wavy hair? Or perhaps you smell the perfume of her long brown wavy hair?

Catch my drift? That's the only line I'd change a bit.


   
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(@nitetrapper)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 149
Topic starter  

Thanks for the input, I kinda thought the first 2 verses were to generic also. But after i completed the lyric they seemed to fit. Thanks again. Nite.........

lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores


   
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