Criticism needed (and a lot of it, too)

first of all may I say I know nothing about song writting and have never tried but I do like reading other peoples songs such as yours .

I am totally unbiased and do not mean to offend with the following suggestion .

I read it with out your * lines* and it read pretty good to me , I how ever have a question are you trying too hard to get a rhyme ?

do songs really need all the lines rhyming with other lines ? can't you have lines that just read into the next one ?

Like I said I know nothing and appolagise if you are hurt in any way , but thats how I would try it .

hilch

hi constantyne

have had a read on this and Hilch makes a good point with the rhyme , each line does not have to rhyme .

here is what you wrote

They always said we'll never make it
We have a chance to prove them wrong
Everyone thought that we were crazy
*We knew we were where we belong*
People were saying this was futile
Their attempts to break us were as well
No one expected us to make
*We proved we had a chance in hell

This is what might work ?
They always said we'll never make it
We have a chance to prove them wrong
Everyone thought that we were crazy
is this where we really belong
People were saying this was futile
Their attempts to break us were as well
No one expected us to make it
they all said we had no chance in hell

?????? I thought about this long and hard prior to posting
your *line * in the chorus

We can make things for the better

would ? this be better ?

can we make things here better ?

just a old mans thoughts

please consider or even disreguard

Cheers

L.K :arrow:

Maybe I did try a little too hard on the rhyme scheming. Oops. That's what I get for being a novice.
Oh well! I'll get started fixing the problem just as soon as I'm done with finals.

There is never a problem in life if one is trying too hard it just means everyone is not as dedicated as the ones who try hard :wink:

cheers

L.K :arrow:

I never looked at it that way, but I guess your right.
On a much harsher note: Let's go people, you need to tear this thing to shreds with your comments!

I never looked at it that way, but I guess your right.
On a much harsher note: Let's go people, you need to tear this thing to shreds with your comments! :twisted: (Just went a little crazy there, but I'm over it...)

it's always good to get it out of system

:lol:

Okay. If you want harsh. I can be harsh.

I think the subject matter is boring. Love and relationships are interesting only if you give it a different twist. This makes me feel like, "so what?" I'd rather hear your relationship compared to a banana or a muskrat ;-)

Message is weak (e.g. Who are they? People? No one? Others? If you mention the people once, that's okay. But if you're going to keep talking about them, I'd like to know who 'they' are. And how did they attempt to break you?).
Syntax is weak (e.g. "Their attempts to break us were as well". What the heck does that mean? and "Can we make things for the better?" Very awkward)
Meter is sloppy.
Line one goes: Ta-da Ta-da Ta-da Ta-da
Line two goes: Ta-da Ta-da Ta-da Ta-da
Line three? Ta-da-da Ta (that?) Ta-da-da-da (hard to sing).
The whole rhythm just doesn't work for me.

Never use the word bereft in a song. Or any word that greater than 40% of the population wont know. Unless you intentionally are trying to confuse.
What are they confessing? What did they prove? I don't get it.

In general, I'd trash the whole song and write it off as a learning experience.

Actually, I was thinking about rewriting the entire song and at least try to make this song make sense. That's gonna be impossible for even me to do. I'll post it in a million years. (It should be done by then) 8)

Also, look at my sig. That should tell you a lot about me.

Okay, now I feel bad. :( I was kidding. The song was great. A masterpiece even.

Liked it. Not much to improve of it, but I do agree with lotto on what he had to say. Great Job. Keep it up!

You can't feel bad about what you said, MetalWerk2. It's what I asked for and you gave it to me. Actually, that criticism changed how I write my songs and actually, some of the choruses I've written were better than before. So, I would call this song a learning experience very much.

Actually, I should try making a song about a relationship between a banana and a muskrat. That could be interesting. (Not trying to be mean or anything, but it might sound better than this.)

Glad to be of service.

I hate when someone tells me my song is good when it sucks (to spare my feelings) or tells me the song sucks, but can't tell me why.

Either way it's useless info.

But then, I've got really thick skin.