Hello, this is a new song i wrote a couple of weeks ago, so i guess it's not that new... Yeah, so please just give some comments/critiques cause I AM open to changing the song... if it fits. So drop in and give a note.
We're swimming in a deep sea,
And I'm drowning at the sight of,
The waves crashing down,
And we're looking for excuses,
A raft that we could use,
To bring us home again,
But there's no sign of help,
From the current that is pulling us away,
Farther away from home,
We're just feeling alone…
Hello, again,
It's been a while,
Since I saw your face,
A little way's after new year's eve,
Remember the kiss we shared,
The moment we said I love you,
I still do,
But now, we're miles apart,
We're growing farther,
And I just wanna be with you…
So here we go,
I'm gonna jump in,
I'm gonna let the current,
Take it's grip and hold on to me,
And now…
We're swimming in a deep sea,
And I'm drowning at the sight of,
The waves crashing down,
And we're looking for excuses,
A raft that we could use,
To bring us home again,
But there's no sign of help,
From the current that is pulling us away,
Farther away from home,
We're just feeling alone…
I love the way the light in your eyes,
Reflects off the ocean walls,
You're growing farther away, and,
I wish that we could fix it,
Fix it all,
I have so much to say,
To say to you,
I wish I could,
Bring myself to…
So here we go,
I'm gonna jump in,
I'm gonna let the current,
Take it's grip and hold on to me,
And now…
We're swimming in a deep sea,
And I'm drowning at the sight of,
The waves crashing down,
And we're looking for excuses,
A raft that we could use,
To bring us home again,
But there's no sign of help,
From the current that is pulling us away,
Farther away from home,
We're just feeling alone…
Do you have a melody? The line "From the current that is pulling us away" is about twice as many syllables as the others in the chorus... but that might not be a problem. I think the mark of a well-written song is one that isn't too rigid and/or repetative in melody anyway (as opposed to exactly the same thing four times with only the lyrics differing).
Other than checking that, what can I say?, I don't think there's anything that needs changing :)
Yes, I do have a melody to go with this song, I actually have guitar chords and everything for it also. And the "from the current that is pulling us away" the way it is sung with the melody works out perfectly, but I understand what you're saying, that it looks weird on paper. Thanks.
I'd love to hear it if you record it any time... I'm still having trouble breaking away from the 'four rhyming lines' thing :/
I'll try and record it as soon as I can, but with work i don't get much time. anwyays, anyone else that has comments feel free to give them.
