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"Dying Out", tell me what you think

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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
Topic starter  

One of my favorites I've writen.

Dying Outcopyright

"Can you feel the decadence? The Malevolent?
My heart, my soul, all against you.
My interface, not settled. Not here, not yet.
Nonexistent in me.
I won't collaberate, I'll liberate to
get control of you and me.
I don't need your damn pity.
I got my fist, my rage and that's all I'll ever need!

All I'll ever need!

My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out.....
My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out in me.

I don't understand your pantomime.
It says, "What's yours is mine," but every time
I try to say why I've got to save
you take my words and throw them away!

Throw them away!

My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out.....
My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out in me.

You think you've won? You have no idea. You think you've had the last laugh?
You think you've won? You have no idea. You think you've had the last laugh?

My coals are still alive.
My coals are still alive.
My coals are still alive.
My coals are still ......alive!

My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out.....
My fire, grows dimmer, burns deeper, is dying out in me.
My fire (my fire), grows dimmer (grows dimmer), burns deeper (burns deeper), is dying out.....
My fire (my fire), grows dimmer (grows dimmer), burns deeper (burns deeper), is dying out in me.
In me!"

Get back to me with your opinion!

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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(@grungy-grunge)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 55
 

ok heres the dealio can you tell me what you think of mine if i tell you what i think of yours look under grungy grunge down the collum thing haha anyway

i think thats great its real good im crap at critisizing but yup i like it

*thumbs up*

im not like them
but i can pretend
the sun has gone
but i have a light
the day is done
but im haveing fun
i think im dumb
or maybe just happy
i think im just happy..i think im just happy


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Good stuff!

I like the imagery

just a little thought:

Enstead of the line

I don't need your darn pity.
I got my fist, my rage and that's all I'll ever need!

What if you said:

I don't need sympathy, pity.
I got my fist, my rage and that's all I'll ever need!

Don't think you need "darn" in there.

I enjoyed it...good power!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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(@pierson)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 367
Topic starter  

I think using that word doesn't make me act like I wanna be bad or anything, I just think that it expresses anger.

There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!


   
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(@gmilam)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 159
 

Obviously use what you think is the coolest. I just think those words are really overused in music today. You can pick up the anger in the tone of your voice and with the next line.

Either way...I like the song.

Keep up the writing!

I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)


   
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 PJS
(@pjs)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 19
 

Lots of anger in this one. Im having a hard time to say anything constructive about this one, so I guess it's better that I dont say anything.


   
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