This is a new song that jumped into my head recently. I do realize that the verse starting "the people I'm passing" doesn't have the same rhyme scheme as the others. I'm debating wether to leave it as is or change it so it matches. Any advice, opinions, comments of any kind on any of it are welcome.
Elegy
Broken and empty
I can't find myself
Not all that I once was
Im resigned to this hell
I'm falling I'm fading
Slowly I'm dying
In this pain, this aching
I'm closing my eyes
Chorus
But through the dark I can see the light
It's shining out of reach
I'm falling past it, I'm trying to grab
To hold onto me
The people I pass on
The street that I walk down
Remind me I'm caught in
A world I've forsaken
I've seen their faces
Flowing past me
They're empty and broken
With eyes closed that can't see
Chorus
But through the dark I can see the light
It's shining out of reach
We're falling past and all we can hold
Is what we wished we'd be
What we wished we'd be
The faces on the street
Flowing past me
They're empty and broken
Each one just like me
Chorus
But through the dark I can see the light
It's shining out of reach
We're falling past and all we can hold
Is what we wished we'd be
Through the dark I can see the light
Shining out of reach
We're falling now, all we've got
Is what we believe
What we believe
All we have is what we believe
Webelieve
Some nice writing here saint.
My only thought is that with 3 choruses it feels slightly drawn out at the end - although they are different, they kind of say the same things.
Perhaps adding another verse in between 2 and 3 would help to make it flow better? Perhaps even a repeat of the verse you have already could work.
Pete
ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"
I do realize that the verse starting "the people I'm passing" doesn't have the same rhyme scheme as the others. I'm debating wether to leave it as is or change it so it matches. Any advice, opinions, comments of any kind on any of it are welcome.
Very nice. I would not worry to much about the rhyme, but I agree with Pete that having 3 choruses in a raw is a little too much. Then again, if you are planning to have some instrumental improvisation after chorus2 it might be fine.
Gosha.
I ended up changing the verse with the off rhyme. Any opinions on the new one? Is it okay? Also changed the formatting a little, but I've still actually got two chorusses at the end. Not sure yet, have to play around with it. Can't sepparate the last two chorusses, though, because the second one doesn't stand on its own. It's like a slow winding down. Thinking about maybe cutting a lot from the last chorus, make it just a couple or three lines at the end, if that makes any sense. Or combine the two in some other way.
Thanks for the comments.
hey saint
I couldn't resist
I cut your song to pieces but in the end this is all I could find without repeating. easy to sing too. cheers. gram99
simplify
simplify simplify
"thoreau"
Broken and empty
I can't find myself
Not all at once
It's a living hell
Chorus 1
The faces I see
every day on the street
flow by empty and broken
just like me
I'm falling I'm aching
because of the pain
maybe I'll close my eyes
till it all fades away
Chorus 2
But I can see the light
just out of reach
If only if only
what we could have been
falling past
falling fast
I want to believe
I want to believe
"Nothing happens until something moves."
Albert Einstein
hey saint
I couldn't resist
I cut your song to pieces but in the end this is all I could find without repeating. easy to sing too. cheers. gram99
Not bad. There's some lines I can't bring myself to use, like it's a living hell (been used too many times, and not a favorite metaphor of mine) but I like some of the ideas. New light is always a good thing to see in. I especially like maybe I'll close my eyes
till it all fades away
thanks for the help. Had a new version, but I think I'll see what ideas of these I incorporate, then show you the changes.
Thanks, gram99. There was something I was missing to tie it together, and you pointed it out.
And yeah, there is a lot of repetition.
I pieced some things together, and apart, last night, and this is what I've got now.
(edit)I've played with it some over the last few days, and changed a few small things.
Elegy
Broken and empty
Locked out of myself
Lost my grip on what I was
Now all I've got left is this hell
The falling, the fading
This feeling, like I'm dying
Wearing through from this bottomless aching
All I want now is to close my eyes
Chorus:
But through the dark I can see the light
Shining out of reach
I'm falling fast but I'm trying to hold
Onto what I can find of me
The faces I see
Flow through the shadows around me
Broken and empty
Dead eyes that can't see
Each one just like me
Chorus
And it might be that there's a guiding light
Even if it's hard to reach
In this world I know I'm not alone
But I'm not sure I believe
its amazing how much different lyrics read when you dont know the tune, but i like the flow of the chorus and its a song id like to hear, if you wanna make a recording of it or something
I'm not so computer-savy in a lot of ways, but I'll try to figure out how to make a recording and make it available. I know somebody out there knows how to make recordings more or less readily accessible. Many thanks to anyone willing to tell me how. Pleeeease?
The accompaniment is reeeally simple, just one guitar and a simple aprt at that, as I've not been playing more than a couple years, and only on rare occaisions for the first, and...yeah. very simple, otherwise I couldn't play it or compose it. Plus I can't sing...well.
Anyway, yeah, I'll try to come up with something, and any help, pointers, whatever, on how to put it on the internet, would be appreciated, loved, and very possible considerations as means to purchase a certain soul.
