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Empty Lullaby

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(@saint_duud)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 52
Topic starter  

This is a new song. It is far from complete, I am quite certain. Well, probably. Just wondered what people think of the lyrics as they stand now. So, naturally, opinions appreciated, even if, in the end, I disagree. Comments appreciated, etc. Been a little out of it recently due to the events unfolding in my life, and this is the closest thing I've been able to come up with to a real song. ...

Empty Lullaby

Nothing's wrong, but nothing's right
Close your eyes, turn out the light
Acid tears from glassy eyes
Can't dream a reason why
All this watching
Patient waiting
Left you standing

With empty chest and broken hopes
Empty hands and all alone...

An empty lullaby

Nothing's right, but nothing's wrong
Just what you knew all along
When all you've got is what is gone
Uncomprehending eyes
All this watching
Patient waiting
Left you standing

With empty chest and broken hopes
Empty hands and all alone
Empty mind and tattered soul...!

Empty smiles from one who knows
This is how the story goes
Shut your eyes and listen close...
An empty lullaby...

Short, yeah, and probably not very good. Still, been a long time since I had any opinion at all, and I'm starving for even a 'This sucks, do this, this, this, change the rhyme pattern, the rhythm, and the message, and THEN maybe it'll be worth critiquing...' But, please don't use those words. It just isn't the same if it comes as a direct quote of something I said.

Thanks. 8)


   
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(@scrybe)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2241
 

um, actually I think its qiute good and reading it, I'm imagining quite a jeff/tim buckleyesque piece of music for it (probs more jeff than tim, actually). if anything, I'd be tempted to go back over it and see if things can be tweaked or tightened anywhere. one line which immediately jumped out at me was "acid tears from glassy eyes" - I'd have gone with "acid tears melt/burn glassy eyes" - but that's just me. i think its always good to have a dust-settles moment with songs, where you let them alone for a day or more after 'finishing' them, then go back over and see if anything jumps out as not fitting or capable of improving.

but overall this is a really coherent and complete sounding/reading piece. good job!

Ra Er Ga.

Ninjazz have SuperChops.

http://www.blipfoto.com/Scrybe


   
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(@saint_duud)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 52
Topic starter  

Thanks. I like that, 'Acid tears burn glassy eyes'


   
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