First Ever Song.

Not to be too hard....but I have no clue what this is about.

Can you maybe give a little insight into what you are thinking about.

It could help us maybe critique it a little better.

Ok im gonna sound mean and all... but THIS IS THE STUPIDIEST CRAP IVE EVER READ.... literally... makes no sense not even a song... more just rambling on about random things :shock:

It's about my battle with God when I was a cowboy. Maybe I ought to finish it, and like I said I've never wrote anything before.

Six of these previous two attempts resulted in failure
Big bird already sent the signs
Pancakes a plenty
No more gun alligns
Victory sensed down Canyon Seperation

These are the times that clarify
These are the times confound our souls

Hashing the browns I find an 18 wheeler horse.
I drove at night
Found a foggy corner where I could hide
Next to him I didn't stand a chance
Next to him I lay in bed

These are times that clarify
These are the times that confoud our souls

Malfunctioning terminals put aside
Stick your head out the window
No haste, no expectation
He's screaming at our plateau
Pancakes with that syrup?

Be as horrible as you like.

Sorry man ,But you lost me. Keep trying but make it so people can remotley understand what your saying. Take care Nite..........

I think what Double D was saying was "Keep on writing, you'll get better the more you do it" :wink:

There are some really good writers in here that can help with ideas and structure.

Take this one back to the drawing board and come up with some main points you want to make. Don't try to be cryptic or run on too many tangents....tell us a story, honest and to the point.

That's what a cowboy would do...

G

Thats exactly what i mean Greg :lol:

For some reason I opened this one back up.

You know The chorus was kinda cool.

You wrote:
These are the times that clarify
These are the times confound our souls

What if you wrote it like:
These are the times that clarify
These are the times our souls confide
Don't confound me...
Surround me...with your truth

If you really wanted to make this about your struggle with God, this chorus could set it up nicely for you.

Just a thought...

In a some weird way, I kinda liked the first version...of course it doesn's make any sense, but still. Itäll do fine as long as you write some weird and psychedelic music for that and call it "post-jazz urban gospel music" :D

In a some weird way, I kinda liked the first version...of course it doesn's make any sense, but still. Itäll do fine as long as you write some weird and psychedelic music for that and call it "post-jazz urban gospel music" :D

Heh. Yeah, i was thinking of some finger picking with a bongo beat. I'm glad you liked it.

Gmilam: That chorus is better, thanks. I'm going to have another go at this soon.

In the mean time, here's another one which I think is much better.

Take your cows to market
and laugh at common wisdom
Swap them for a bag of seeds
and yours will be the kingdom

(I'm alive at the speed of light
We're ali ali ali-ive)

No lie today is not real
it's a whisper on the wind
Eternity is what you feel
when you raise your voice and sing

(There's a place today that is not there
Where you'll find no oxygen and no air)

Take your cows to market
and watch today unroll
Like wool does in the pantry
Like joy does in the soul

(I'm alive at the speed of light
We're ali ali ali-ive)

Cmon dudes, you can't bash a lack of coherent lyrics... ever heard of a little band called Stone Temple Pilots?

"So keep your bankroll lottery eat your salad day deathbed motorcade"

It all depends on what you're going for with your songwriting. I write crap like this all the time if the song is more instrument centered.