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First Love (NOW HAS RECORDING)

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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

My daughter wrote this song she is 13 years old just wondering what you all think

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First love

As i am walking down the street singing this song
I hear a voice that calls my name
and every thing turns out wrong

As i think about it at this moment
All i want is you to feel the way i do,
feel the way i do

Chorus:Someone told me once in my life that
I wouldnt be the only one that got a broken heart
From there first love, from there first love,
From there first love

Now that i am sittin here waitin for the tears to stop fallin
From these helples eyes that see nothing
They see nothing in this world
Because of you there is no world,
there is no world, there is no world

someone told me once in my life that i wouldnt be the only one
that got there heart broken from there first love.


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

It's better than I wrote when I was 13!
I like it.
It has some really great lines:

I like how she's singing THE song.... it implies that it has a life of it's own,
or holds more importance in the world than just being a song.

'As i think about it at this moment
All i want is you to feel the way i do'

I like this line.... think/feel - Interesting.
Plus, I can't tell if that means that she wants him to want her back, or wants him to be broken hearted too....?
I like wondering! :wink:

'Now that i am sittin here waitin for the tears to stop fallin
From these helples eyes that see nothing
They see nothing in this world
Because of you there is no world'

Great verse. Very vivid and in touch with feelings/perceptions.

Did she just get her heart broken? :(

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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(@ghost)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 815
 

Did she just get her heart broken? :(

I was wondering the same. Seems to be wrote out of experience. Your daughter wrote a good...um sad song.

"If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell me to practise that bloody guitar!" -Vic Lewis

Everything is 42..... again.


   
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(@mysticmoonangel)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 166
Topic starter  

Thanks for the comments... she was pleased by your thoughts and will soon have this song on soundclicks for you to hear she composed somemusic using mixcraft music composer i think she sounds amazing... she says to let you know that no she has never had her heart broken... :D ............ thanks again

Mystic

i was able to put it on my page at tunesmith so you can check it out here
http://tunesmithpro.ning.com/profile/DEBBIEALARIC

It is also on soundclick now as well when getting to this site clike on band Shantaya Alaric it will take you to her song
http://www.soundclick.com/members/default.cfm?member=mysticmoonangel


   
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(@citizennoir)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 1247
 

Hey - I LIKE That! 8)
Very 'Pop-ish'.... I could picture hearing that on the radio, for sure :D
Catchy.

The only thing I would mention is that some of the lines seem crowded for the measures....
and that's okay - They don't have to be changed....
The way around that is to slow down, and not try to cram in that last word.
Example -
'tears to stop falling - from these helpless eyes'
Could go: 'tears to stop - falling from, these helpless eyes'
And:
'All I want is you to - feel the way I do'
could be: 'All I want is you - to feel the way I do; Feel the way I do, Feel the way I do'
REM does that kinda thing all the time :wink:

Really enjoyed that!
Thankx :D
Keep 'em coming!

Ken

"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway

"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles


   
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