First post-song

Sounds like a Country song . . . my favorite for writing lyrics.

And good country songs need a good story or message.
Not sure what the message is here.
I think you need to be a little more detailed or specific as to what your intentions are towards this girl.
What are you going to say that will win her over and make her choose you over someone else.

For instance, in this verse:

Everyone is so fake
please dont make that mistake
gonna get so high I forget
everything ive seen everything ive done

You can take the first two lines and elaborate more.
Something like,

It's hard to find what's real
In a world where people are fake
Never doubt my love for you
Please don't make that mistake

And this verse:

Why do you look so sad
your going to make me feel bad
dont look down on me girl
im not like the rest

needs a lot of work.
Although Country is supposed to be simple and straightforward . . . this is a little too simple . . . in my opinion.

KR2

Although Country is supposed to be simple and straightforward . . . this is a little too simple . . . in my opinion.

Maybe, maybe not - looks more like a rocker to me. There's always room for some fairly simple, straightforward lyrics in rock music....or even pop music, that's what I was weaned on back in the sixties, so I get kind of a retro feel from this.

Maybe, Oblix, you should be more self-critical? This actually looks like you've dashed down on paper the first words that came into your head - and while it's good to get ideas down while they're fresh, never, ever settle for a first draft... there's always room for improvement.

Go back through your song - ask yourself, if someone asked me what I thought of it, what would I say? Pick out the bits you like, the bits you don't like - ask yourself what you'd suggest to that someone if they asked you if you could come up with a better line.

It's always an idea, too, to give us some idea of what music you've got in mind - Ken thought Country, I thought rock or pop - for all we know, you could be thinking slow ballad, thrash metal, 12-bar blues.....it's not always easy to get into the writer's mind.

But, good luck with your writing.

In the meantime, here's a couple of articles you might like to read......

Songwriting For Beginners

and

Songwriting For Intermediates

Both articles are written by Nick Torres, who's one of the main men here at GN - if he's not the heartbeat of this site, then he's definitely the Pacemaker - and he comes with fully charged Duracell batteries. I found them a HUGE help when I first ventured into the songwriting forums - I'd written songs before, but they'd always sounded a bit "yeah, yeah, heard it all before!" to me when I actually played them.

Both articles are full of good, commonsense, no BS guidelines - they won't make you the greatest writer in the world overnight, but they'll give you some good pointers.

Oh, and welcome to GN!

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi,

Thanks to you both for takeing the time to post your feedback, you have both given me some things to think about. I found it intresting to see that it sounded like a country song to you when it is a bit more acoustic rock I guess I didnt really give much info as to the style of it. Vic was pritty much spot it is my first draft I remember reading somewhere that if you dont write the song in 20 mins or so it often not worth writing but its proberbly not true. Anyway im gonna have a read through the lessons you posted and try do some work on it.

Cheers

This is a link/url (im not sure if it will work as a link) to youtube if anyone is intereted to hear my song theres not really a vid to it just a few pics. p.s plse excuse my singing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq8LZoy-me8

I must say that guitar sounds good . . . and the guitar playing.
I've never played an acoustic . . . but thinking of getting one.
What guitar is that?

As to the lyrics . . . you can forget everything I said.
If it's a Rock song, the lyrics don't matter . . . as long as the syllables accentuate the beat . . .
Just kidding, of course.

KR2

Thanks kenrogers2 its a Avalon AS101 silver series, I brought it a few years ago and its pritty much all I play now its a bit of jack of all trades seems to suit most types of music.