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First song


(@cotton)
New Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2
Topic starter  

Hi this is my first attempt at writing a song, one of my students has just started as a country singer and recorded his first single. He has agreed to sing it to my wife for me on our 40th anniversary. I cannot sing or play guitar . I believe Elvis used the music to Aura Lee for Love me Tender so I tried to do the same thing . Anniversary
Is in June so I still have some time any suggestions on this would be great.

Friend called to ask if I could meet him after work
Said he had wrote a love song thought I like to hear
Said his anniversary was soon drawing near
Wrote it for his wife you see this is what I saw

When I met her long a go Elvis was the king
Love at first sight stopped me cold chase her till I'm old
Married me made my dreams said its you and me
For ev er and a week – end this will never end

She's my lover she's my life never leaves me blue
She's my best friend She's my wife and I love her true
we're together every night she's still mine alone
Forty years have come and gone children have all grown

Back on our own like before she's still my amore
Forever and a weekend still gets to be said
It must be she loves me same as I love her
Who'de have known in sixty six I'de still be with her

Dirty dancing having fun like we did back then
Still making love staying young cause its to much fun
Song was sung years a go words were different then
Aura Lee her name should be Elvis would agree


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(@kingpatzer)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2198
 

I think the meter is ok, it could be tighter, but I think spending time with your rhyme and general structure will get you further.

First verse is abbc, second verse is abcd, third verse is aabb, fourth verse is abcc, fifth verse is abac. Pick one, or at most two.

I think the general flow within each line needs some work. Maybe with your music choice it works, but it doesn't read smoothly. Perhaps adding some internal structure to the lines or just some rewording will help? Try to get a bit of alliteration going within a line perhaps?

Also, i think many of your rhymes are kind of cliche, if not boring. "hear-near," "true-blue," "alone-grown," "her-her" . . . there's no surprises where the listener goes "oh, I didn't expect THAT word, how clever!"

For example, you are singing about how long you've been married, so maybe rhyme "hear" with a word that conveys how much of an accomplishment that is "persevere" perhaps?

All of the above is very much an amature oppinion! And it's not meant to be overly critical. God knows my songs aren't much to look at. I like the idea of using Aura Lee, and I'm sure it'll go over great. Congrats on the anniversary!!

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." -- HST


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 Bish
(@bish)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 3765
 

First, Welcome to Guitar Noise.

I won't critique the song but would like to offer a congrats for the 40 year milestone.

I just got past 26 years and feel lucky to have gotten this far.

Maybe due in part to the fact that I hadn't played guitar either. Who knows what the next year will bring.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Bish

"I play live as playing dead is harder than it sounds!"


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(@cotton)
New Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2
Topic starter  

First I would like to thank you, for taking the time to read this, I quess the first thing to explain is I really don,t know any thing about music , maybe at sixty its to late to learn but I would like to try I never took any music in school as learning anything seems to keep my mind alive. It would really help if I knew what you meant by “ First verse is abbc, second verse is abcd, third verse is aabb, fourth verse is abcc, fifth verse is abac. Pick one, or at most two. “ is there a book you could suggest I buy to learn the basics
Thank you again for your time


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 Bish
(@bish)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 3765
 

Cotton,

What king was referring to is the rhyme scheme of each verse.

the first verse being abbc means that in that verse the 2nd and third lines rhyme. The second verse...abcd means no lines rhymed. The third aabb means the first line rhymed with the second and the 3rd and 4th rhyme together. Hope that helps.

As far a learning to write. It's somewhat of an internal thing. You feel the movement of the lyrics without having to have music. There is a flow that occurs. You know it when you feel it. Also, timing of each line is crucial to the rhythm. For example each line would have the same amount of syllables or at least the timing of the syllables from line to line stays the same. When you count out the line it would have the same numbers of beats as the rest. Then you go to the chorus or the bridges they can be anything you want them to be. (Obviously, there are certain rules you'll apply to chord structures so you maintain a correct key or key change that still remains pleasant to the listener.)

But ultimately out is about the story you are trying to convey. If the reader/listener understands your messages then you've gotten it all together.

NOTE: This is a fast abreviated version of a way to write. Everyone has their own styles and tastes. Once you find yours, hopefully others will enjoy it.

Good luck.

Bish

"I play live as playing dead is harder than it sounds!"


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 Taso
(@taso)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Cotton, you don't need to learn how to write, you know how to do it already, you just need to work on rhythm bit, and the flowing.

You're writing a beautiful lyric, that tells a story. "People like country music because of the stories..." (Ray) It really is a great story, it just needs to flow a little better. I'm going to read threw it again tomorrow, (I'm exhausted, and I have to be up in 5 hours), but overall I thought it was a great start, and like you said, you have till June to tweak it and such, i'll try to expand tomorrow. !

http://taso.dmusic.com/music/


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