stumbled across this site recently. never wrote a song lyric before but current events seem to have inspired the following.
any ideas for melody appreciated but hate mail is not. I can sort of hear John Prine's flag decal won't get you into heaven anymore but also a "willy and the hand jive" groove. I dunno .. still working on it. Might even make or try to make an mp3 some day.
billy's working at the wal-mart
life's off to a slow start
so he passed the eye chart
then got sent to war
cuz mr gloomy and the voices of doom
kicked him in the head then moved into his room
danced on his brain and rattled around
tellin him things just to scare him down
bubba's in the white house
but casey's at the bat
we've had nine eleven
now the patriot act
so get on a plane and kill saddam hussein
and while you're at it out valerie plame
what's a leak between a friend or two
we'll blame it on Clinton
we'll blame it on the Jews.
chorus
don't ask who, don't ask why
have another slice of liar pie
now get out and die for the company store
and try to pretend it's not about oil
he ain't no hitler
he ain't pol pot
he ain't gonna leave you in the sand to rot
gonna take you home in a big red car
with numbers on the top
and numbers on the side
drive ya round the ol nascar track
with your family in front
and your coffin in the back
but don't take too long cuz bubba gets bored
turn that key let them engines roar
don't ask who
don't ask why
have another slice of liar pie
now get out and die for the company store
and try to pretend it's not about oil
captain america comin in full bore
bound and determined to settle the score
mrs mohammed comin back from a store
now lies dyin on her own dirt floor
looks around at the blood and gore
three kids dead by the blown out door
the last thing she hears is
sorry m'am
but it's not about the oil
there are two other verses in the rough stage but you get the drift
"Nothing happens until something moves."
Albert Einstein
First off, welcome to GN gram99! :D You can introduce yourself in the "Meet and Greet" forum to.
A very good piece you wrote for being your first song. You might want to check out the SSG section to hone in on your song writing skills.
I really dig the opening verse of your song.
billy's working at the wal-mart
life's off to a slow start
so he passed the eye chart
then got sent to war
Strong chorus.
chorus
don't ask who, don't ask why
have another slice of liar pie
now get out and die for the company store
and try to pretend it's not about oil
A lot of good imagery you wrote here.
captain america comin in full bore
bound and determined to settle the score
mrs mohammed comin back from a store
now lies dyin on her own dirt floor
looks around at the blood and gore
three kids dead by the blown out door
the last thing she hears is
sorry m'am
but it's not about the oil
Keep at it!
"If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell me to practise that bloody guitar!" -Vic Lewis
Everything is 42..... again.
Good stuff, I love the chorus!
thank you ghost and telemarker for the encouraging comments.
cheers
david
"Nothing happens until something moves."
Albert Einstein
Gentle Mod Warning.
Please keep comment to the song, not it's political content.
I started with nothing - and I've still got most of it left.
Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in any dictionary?
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Welcome gram99,
I'm a big fan of Prine and think you did a very good
job of capturing his lyrical style. The "Willy and the
Hand Jive" feel works well, but I picked up my guitar
and found an first position strumming thing ala
Springsteen works also.
You have a pretty strong rhyme scheme going through
most of this so when you lose it at the end of the chorus
I find it a little jarring. (Maybe this was your intent)
don't ask who
don't ask why
have another slice of liar pie
now get out and die for the company store
and try to pretend it's not about oil
It could just be me but I would try something like:
don't ask who
don't ask why
have another slice of liar pie
now get out and die for the company store
pretend it's not oil pretend that it's more
Just a thought
Welcome again and as Ghost said try SSG it really
helps hone your skills
John
Nice job, do you record any of your stuff? do you have this set to music yet? This kind of reminded me of Bob Dylan with a bit of Tom Waits thrown in for good measure. 8)
The SSG is a good thing, I've been away from there way to long myself :oops: Time to get off my ass and write some more songs :lol:--the dog
Excellent treatment of the subject!
Now does that sound like a high school English teacher or what?!? (I'm not one, just staying PC--politically correct)
Very well written, IMO.
Sounds like a Neil Young or Bob Dylan song to me.
Keep up the good work and critical thinking.
I give it an "A", even in the rough draft stage.
Margaret
When my mind is free, you know a melody can move me
And when I'm feelin' blue, the guitar's comin' through to soothe me ~
