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(@bleaseyhighflyer)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 41
Topic starter  

Okay here is my first song, critipue and suggestions, thoughts, opinions are much appreciated. I've tuned the guitar to what i think is an open e minor tuning (D,A,D,F,a,d capo 2nd fret = E,B,E,G,b,e)

CUT-THROAT

Verse 1
Insignificant as a broken light shining,
But it still burns your eyes.
This uncultured world is slowly getting boring,
Will things ever change?

Chorus
Dont you see it the way i see?
Too much for the eyes of the beast.
Trapped inside this tiny head shaped room.
Yearning for release

Verse 2
Moonlight caught in eager eyes
Graceful as midnight
And still the message remains there,
Carrying the symbol.

Chorus

Verse 3
And still you havnt worked it out
Despite my obvious obssession,
Time is slipping through the cut-throat jagged glass,
But with every glance at you it stops...

order= Verse 1
Chorus
Verse 2
Chorus
Verse 3

Okay even i am still a little unhappy with a few phrases here and there, but at least its a start.

Thanks for reading.

" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."


   
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(@xlosexyoux)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 12
 

hey bleaseyhighflyer.

i really liked the lyrics. they are very thoughtful.

just one thing kind of caught me. some of the lines are longer than the others. but i assume you have them all timed out if you have the guitar stuff for it. just reading through it kind of threw off the rythm for me with some lines a little longer. but like i said before, the lyrics are very thoughtful.

another thing that caught me was that you didn't have a bridge. i find that the bridge ties the whole song together and then ending with a chorus reminds the audience of the song. but thats just me. i've had songs that are set up like yours. it was just a thought.

keep up with the writing.
*hailey*

"i collect friends, i have about three." - ville valo

"listen, ryan's at it again. he just got stabbed in the eye with a fork and now he has to rock a pirate patch for atleast a month. its ridiculous." 'valo' *bam margera*


   
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(@bleaseyhighflyer)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 41
Topic starter  

Thanks *hailey*, its great to get positive feedback.

On your second point: the third verse is the bridge really, i just wasnt sure weather to call it the bridge because its not really in the right place. The tune changes and has a more minor feel than the other two verse, but after the third verse there is a long insturmental outro, with backing vocals, (a la "the great gig in the sky" - pink floyd) hence i have decided not to call the third verse the bridge. I may write a real brideg to fit in somewhere as it is a work in progress.

Thankyou very much...

" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."


   
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(@colorofthesky)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 6
 

bleaseyhighflyer,

I'm a beginner songwriter too so I don't know how much my opinion matters but this what I think. :)
I can give you some positive feedback.
I really love the poetry of your lyrics. Lines like,

"Insignificant as a broken light shining,
But it still burns your eyes."

And

"Time is slipping through the cut-throat jagged glass,
But with every glance at you it stops.."

It really gets a certain feeling across. Great job with this song. I hope it works out well for you.

"You're the color of the sky reflected in each storefront windowpane...."
-Jackson Browne
Sky Blue and Black


   
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(@bleaseyhighflyer)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 41
Topic starter  

Hey thanx a lot *Colour of the sky*!. I feel truely inspirierd by your comments.

Id like to see some of your lyrics some day, try and post some pn here, that would be great.

I worked for a while on this song, so its great to recieve promising results

Thanks again!

" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."


   
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(@hueseph)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 1543
 

Very nice. I don't know why people want to box in ideas. the meter is fine. I don't blieve in structure. It can ruin the flow of a thought just as much as it can enhance it. This peice is very thought provoking. I'd like to think I totally know where your coming from, as anyone should. I don't wan't to ruin the poetry for anyone tho.

https://soundcloud.com/hue-nery/hue-audio-sampler


   
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(@snoogans775)
Reputable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 297
 

great song, nice and densely expressed throughout

I've always considered rhythm and meter important to aid the listener, people can register things with more ease if it's in a flowing format, this song is a great example of blank verse writing, it is very sperrataic in its attack but it is very easy to read, and should be easy to listen to also,

you can make someone happy or uncomftorable with the lyrics, but in order for either one(or any of the multitudes of emotion) to get it across in a song with music, it should be easy to comprehend

I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!


   
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