First Written Song

Good question, I would PM Nick.

If it is really bad with a lot of vulgar language, it is not meant for here, but see what Nick can do for you.

You can get your point across just fine without swearing, but you have to understand your own language to do so.

If you want, you can PM me and I will help you to the best of my ability.

Mike

Well, Nick gave me the go ahead to post it. So here it is:

You make my blood swell
You can go to hell
You make my skin itch
You stupid bitch
Never willing to atone
Forever to stand alone

You sit there thinking you know it all
Not even knowing how far you fall

I hope to end your bullshit lie
I hope you go somewhere and die
I hope you don't live for very long
I hope you're dead by the end of this song

We're just talking
So keep on walking
Don't accuse me of ego
While you wear your black halo

You can sit there and think you're right
Just keep me out of your pathetic fight

I hope to end your bullshit lie
I hope you go somewhere and die
I hope you don't live for very long
I hope you're dead by the end of this song

Not knowing what's going on
Opinions come and gone
So self absorbed
Cut your computer cord
Always judging me
Can't clearly see
The spec in your own eye
Why don't you just go and die?!

Oh

I hope to end your bullshit lie
I hope you go somewhere and die
I hope you don't live for very long
I hope you're dead by the end of this song

Oh

I hope you don't live for very long
I hope you're dead by the end of this song
Keep your nose out of where it doesn't belong

Positive and negative criticism is welcome.

I'll echo what I said in my PM when you sent it to me.

Very powerful and well written! You have a VERY good songwriting structure.

I think you did a GREAT job venting your feelings. That is a feat many people can't attest to!

I thought you did a GREAT job!

OWA,
Really good, passionate, and yeah, angry, nothing wrong with that. I'm assuming you don't say "female canine", I get the hint. I think it's good, you were writing your feelings, your emotions, that's important.

I would watch out in this verse though:
We're just talking
So keep on walking
Don't accuse me of ego
While you wear your black halo

It would appear you have a very constant rhyme scheme through the whole lyric, and then that one word changes, I'm not sure it flows as well. Just a thought, it could sound totally fine, and I'm just reading it with the wrong emphasis, etc.

Again, very nice, to the point song, congrats on your first written song! :)

Edit: For some reason, I didn't even notice the structure. Tracker is right, it is very good, very...structured ;) Organized. I've seen a few song writers that don't do that anymore, and sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, yours is good.
Taso

hi

I thought the flow of the song was very good , it's pretty obvious what the song is about and I like that ( I don't have to think too much then )....

I know this will sound a bit strange but I like the passion in the lyrics ... very angry very full on no hidden messages you just want this person to shrivel up and die .. pretty straight forward ...

cheers

L.k

Nice one :)

I hear a wall of Marshall's, gain on 11, spitting out the power chords, on this one.
I can also hear the unexpurgated lyrics ;)

Thank you for your input everyone. I'm taking your suggestion Taso and trying to re-work that verse a bit.
Nice one
I hear a wall of Marshall's, gain on 11, spitting out the power chords, on this one.
I can also hear the unexpurgated lyrics

Lol. At first when I wrote it, thought it sounded more acoustic but recently I picture some of the lyrics being screamed, especially at the end of the bridge. So now it makes more sense on an electric, with high gain, and power chords.

To make it acoustic, you'd have to re-work the lyrics. As you have them, it's verbal GBH. To make an acoustic song of it, you'd have to make it far more cynical and subtle, but the basis is there. Take it as it is and go for the brick-in-a-handbag approach.

Take it as it is and go for the brick-in-a-handbag approach.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was a great analogy, Graham!!!!

I agree, I hear Marshall's all day long with mass distortion. Maybe a little drop D thrown in, too.

Glad to see all this feedback.

Mike

Aggressive, loud, fast - nothing to add really.

Best,

A :-)

I love it OWA. I agree, that is has to be electric with a vengeance.

Gonna be tough singing that "You stupid female canine" part :lol:

Give it to her girl. Publish the song :idea: dedicate it to her :wink: and steal the guy :twisted:

By the way, it flows real nice. You should get angry more often just not at us.

If I do get the song published I will dedicate to her, though she knows I wrote it. But I'm not paying any royalties!

Hehe, and I will get angry more often. I'm actually working on another. The lyrics came to me late one night while watching my favourite show.

I agree that electric with distortion would be best. On a side note, I still need a pedal.

Thank you for your input everyone.

Ouch, I'm glad this wasn't written about me.....

Not a lot to add to the above comments, but as regards structure, i could see it like this....

First verse done fairly up-tempo, then for the two lines that lead into the chorus, cut the volume...palm-muting woud do the trick - then really hit it for the chorus......just my suggestion, anyway....

Great effort, especially for a first song!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

Loved it. I had to laugh while I was thinking in my head how I would sing it with an acoustic mode. (Not laughing at you, though :D .) Well if Corey Taylor can pull it off, then maybe it's possible. I really liked the lyrics, especially since there aren't a lot of harder songs here. so it's always good to throw in something new. It reminded me of a song I wrote, but I can just PM it to ya.

Even though the "black halo" thing didn't rhyme, I liked the reference. It's hard to find a rhyme to "halo", and it's not like you can change the structure of the song to a non-rhymer halfway through it.

Anyways, loved the song. Keep it up!