Skip to content
Notifications
Clear all

"i thought"

3 Posts
3 Users
0 Likes
1,691 Views
(@xlosexyoux)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 12
Topic starter  

i was at work today, standing at the register bored as HELL and got hit with this idea. i have all these little side notes written on the paper about speed and mood but i don't know how i'll add them in. please be brutly honest about this please! i'm very open to critques! so ... enjoy!!

"i thought"

[opening]
i thought i wanted you
wanted you all for me
needed you to love me ...

[v1]
but now that you care
i don't want it from you
you hang on my every word
and it kind of makes me sick.

[v2]
you leave me 40 messages
when you know i'm away
you never give me time
time for myself.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

[v3]
you wanted to make plans
every single day
you push me
when i'm already on the verge.

[v4]
you never want to let me go
always want to be with me
and although it sounds like an idea
a girl needs some space.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

[bridge]
i love you before
and you pushed me away
now its the other way around
so i'll do the same.

[chrous]
i thought i needed you
needed someone to need me
but now that you're finally giving me
the attention i craved i don't want it ...
from you.

please let me know what you think. i wasn't going to label every part of the song but i figured it would help with side notes. for the [opening]music is soft, acoustic guitars and gives off the feeling of romance but once [v1] starts, to the end, it is more acoustic but more angry feeling and louder.

"i collect friends, i have about three." - ville valo

"listen, ryan's at it again. he just got stabbed in the eye with a fork and now he has to rock a pirate patch for atleast a month. its ridiculous." 'valo' *bam margera*


   
Quote
(@guy_d)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 16
 

Most of the verses appear to fall apart at the end due to a lack of rythme

for example: I may have misunderstood your intention but for the bit
and although it sounds like an idea
a girl needs some space.

i would have wrote:

and an idea though it sounds
time and space are her bounds

Hope this helps.

People talk of situations,
Read books, repeat quotations,
Draw conclusions on the wall.

Bob Dylan, Love Minus Zero/No Limit,


   
ReplyQuote
(@bleaseyhighflyer)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 41
 

I dont think its the ryhming which you need to worry about, but i felt that the rythym of the verses began to breakdown, towards the end. for example:

You never give me time,
time for myself.

I cant see how the rythm works here thats all.

On the plus side, a nicely worded song!

Keep up the good work

" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."


   
ReplyQuote