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In My Heart


(@cabreraluvr7)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 98
Topic starter  

Hey yall..wow I havent been on here in a long time!! Well I wrote this last night and all my friends like it but I want to know what ya'll think since you know alil more about song writing then my friends :D

In My Heart

My heart skips a beat thinkin about us togather
Knowin you'd be number one in my heart forever
I dont even fear your rejection
It's your love and affection
Cause I've never had it in my life before
And I know theres so much to explore
Do you really care about me
Or are your gonna set my spirit free
Theres so much running through my head
While I try to sleep here in my bed
I want your love but then I fear
Letting you in and getting near
But what if you dont want me back
And your feelings for me lack
Life is here waiting for us
But love's what I want instead of lust
Your everything I want right now
But are you gonna allow
Us to love
Everything of
You and me
Set your heart free
And tell me how you feel
And maybe, just maybe
We can see
Me and you togather
Number one in my heart forever.

Give me any kind of comments!thanks!


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(@oasisman)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 25
 

Nice imagery for a start. I don't see much wrong with it except it structure; if this is a poem then that's fine but if they are lyrics then I think it's lacking some structure.

If it's a poem then stop reading now.

By looking at it head on, I don't know where a section starts and finishes.
Even reading it I can't tell if I'm reading the chorus or a verse or a bridge or a middle section.
If you take the first 4 lines, that could be a verse, but if you then take the next 4 and describe those as another verse, the number of syllables don't add up. Same thing goes if you only took the first 2 lines etc.

A well defined structure must be at the base for a good song, having said that, there are good songs out there that aren't well defined either.

Cheers.


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