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Is this metal/ballad any good?Any thoughts, thanx.

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seanthemon
(@seanthemon)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 14
Topic starter  

I wrote this heavy but clean ballad and i just wanted to no what you think of it and what should I call it.THANX

I cannot wake from this dreadful dream
In here, nothing is what it seems
Hallucinations, complications,
Here is where I dont want to be
The visions I have are of me breaking free.

In the darkness where I sleep
In the corners of my cell where I weep
I close my eyes, I rest my head
Unbearable agony, I wish I was dead.

I cannot escape from this hell Im in
I cannot escape this looney bin
My mind fills with vi'lence
As my lonely screams break the silence.

The other madmen start to howl in pain
As the guard comes round again
Dadadadang his baton rattles the cages
Dadadadang look at all their frightened faces
"Number 254: Its time for your medicine
Im opening the door, you better not try
anything
'coz youknow what will happen to you
You'll wake up battered and bruised."

Mutiny, mutiny, escape, escape
The sirens start to sing
As my ears start to ring
Johnny the lad escaped hes on the run
But the guard noticed, he grabs his gun.

"Bang" Johnny's body hits the ground
Knees buckle, hear the sickly sound.

To live kneeling down is worse than to die standing up.


   
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SlowPlay
(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey seanthemon,

Good story. I like the way it developes and the pacing.

One thing I would change is some of the expressions you use; a few are overused, something we've all be guilty of (I did it in my last song til someone pointed it out).

For example, take the following line:
Unbearable agony, I wish I was dead.

First, "I wish I was dead" I think has been done. Second, "unbearable agony" tells me about it, but I don't feel it. The rest of the song is nice and descriptive and helps me feel the pain, so you don't need to explicitly tell me.

Also, with
My mind fills with vi'lence
As my lonely screams break the silence.

I loved the second line there; it captures the freakiness of a mental ward nicely. The first line is OK, but you maybe describe a thought that the character is having about doing violence, rather than just stating that he's having those thoughts. Unfortunately, that'd break your rhyme with the second verse, which, as I already mentioned, I really like.

Like I said, I like the story your telling. Maybe just keep tweaking it as you perform it to make it even better.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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