Okay. I can't just criticize without putting up too. Go for it. Hit me hard!
Jakey's Xray Vision (Funk rhythm)
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What's up with Snakey Jakey? Why's he always glaring?
Ever since he got them funky specs, at girls he can't stop staring.
He's got a wicked bounce in his step, a sparkle in his eye,
He sports a cocky demon's grin, and he's wearing neon ties.
And the girls seem to love him. Now they call him valentine.
Cause Jake's a cosmic superstar. He's wired all the time.
Chorus:
But Jakey's got a secret. He's seeing things we don't.
He bought some magic glasses, and they've given him a jolt.
He's got super xray vision. How it works I'm not too clear.
But the world is Jakey's peep show, and now he has no fear.
Jakey is nobody's fool, cause now he's really cool.
And if the other guys around him knew, they'd know that Jakey rules.
But Jakey isn't stupid. Why turn a good thing bad?
Don't give away your secrets. Just act like superman.
Like Clark Kent he was nerdy. Through the world he was trippin'.
But now he's super turbo charged, laser eyes and xray vision.
Chorus:
sweet! i like that one, it is way cool.
Hey MetalWerk2, I didn't mind this, you've got some good phrasing in there. Maybe a few lines where it seemed you were grasping for a rhyme? My only big complaint is that I really don't get what the X-ray glasses are a metaphore for, or if they're even a metaphore at all. I think this would be a very cool song if there was a bigger point.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Good points.
I never shoot for full rhyme. I like half rhyme. I think that's what you're refering to. It makes the listener think, gives me more options, and it doesn't have that 'Mary had a little lamb' redundancy.
The song could be deeper but it focuses on funk rather that depth (thought of J. Geils when I wrote it). The symbolism is the edge a nerdy kid has on the cool kids, which really makes the nerdy kid cooler. Could have been computer science skills, musical ability, or any talent. Instead they're magic xray glasses.
I actually had to change a couple lines since it didn't pass the PG-13 censor at home. Kinda sucked but I'm always willing to compromise.
posted twice. oops.
This is a cool song, very stylized. When I was reading this I was hearing the wah from the second verse of mudvaynes "Nothing to Gein".
"Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?" Corey Taylor
Hey Werk2,
I never shoot for full rhyme. I like half rhyme. I think that's what you're refering to.
No, I love half rhymes... my stuff is full of 'em. I was refering to the just the choice of some words to make a rhyme led me to think that maybe the line was shaped by the need for a rhyme (or half rhyme), rather than to say what you wanted to say. For example, the first two lines of the song, and the first two lines of the chorus. I could be wrong.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
I think we're tlaking about slant rhyme ala Dickinson. (At least if I can trust my English classes).
"Do you serve a purpose, or purposely serve?" Corey Taylor
"But Jakey isn't stupid. Why turn a good thing bad?
Don't give away your secrets. Just act like superman. "
i dont get it...turn what bad? and how would he turn it bad?
kinda sounds like you have just thrown a few verses together to make up the song..i quite like it..but i think personally it needs some tweaking ,and more verses that make sense, i like how that verse goes into the last verse thats clever....but i didnt really follow the song
but hey dude if you as the writer understands the song..then who cares?
just an opinion....if ive seemed offensive in any way just take it with a pinch of salt because its just my opinion..
gaz :)
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
No offense taken. I love the comments. I greatly value all of your opinions.
I agree glaring and staring is a stretch since it says the same thing and is a waste of a word. I'll give it some thought.
The turning a good thing bad refers to giving away his secret. If he tells the other guys he has xray vision, then others will find out, then he can't secretly see through female garments because everyone will know what he's looking at. I know it's shallow, but it's a shallow song.
Just curious. Did anyone else not get that? I had a line saying he could see through girls dresses but it was kinda seedy and my wife encouraged me to take it out. :roll:
ahhh now i get it!! maybe i just didnt take it in properly..nothing wrong with it now :wink:
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
