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just starting songwriting and need some feedback

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mattashford
(@mattashford)
New Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 1
Topic starter  

I play acoustic guitar for this in dadgad tuning. Lots of droning notes. Would really appreciate some feedback.
Thanks

Like the tide

Verse 1: (male lead vocal)

Better you cut me with some truth than keep me honest with your lies
The instincts I never follow warned me of silences and unjust sighs
My mother said to me better to love and lose than be a drifter with no ties
But I loved and lost both at once when i fell between your thighs

Chorus: (female vocal)

Wait for me, want me, love me like I love me
Call me, write to me, I'm not going to let you free

Verse 2:

He stayed here, I went there. With your promise in his heart we went for a ride.
I find out last about that diamond ring in your bag, your brother reveals all as you hide.
My father says any fool can see what attracted her to the man draped in gold from the other side.
You're in with him and out with me, back and forth from sure like the tide

Chorus

Verse 3:

Your seductive words spoken in the wind, later it blusters and I take shelter
Your letters soaked in passionate prose sent by air but written on the river
My friends ask why after all that's been done why do I still hope you'll deliver
Yesterday we were running away, now I hear you'll soon be three and it's the clincher


   
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Dneck
(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 630
 

Hey its kind of hard to judge lyrics without hearing the music but heres what I think.
Better you cut me with some truth than keep me honest with your lies
The instincts I never follow warned me of silences and unjust sighs
My mother said to me better to love and lose than be a drifter with no ties
But I loved and lost both at once when i fell between your thighs

It seems that your trying too hard to be poetic. I think that you need to try to be a little more subdued. It's honestly a little difficult to understand what your talking about sometimes, like in line 1 up above. And in line 4 "fell between your thighs" doesn't really seem to fit the mood of the song, I think you might get laughs on that line if you sang it and it seems like this is supposed to be a serious song.

Again its hard to judge without music but I would say the most important piece of advice I could give you is that its less important then you might think to rhyme every line. Depending on the vocal melody some songs don't need to rhyme at all. Never stretch the lyrics just to find a rhyme.

I'd love some feedback on a song a wrote "The words you wanted me to say" you can see how the last line of each verse doesn't rhyme with anything, and I think that it makes it striking each time it happens.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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jwmartin
(@jwmartin)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1435
 

I started to post some suggestions the other day and something came up. Dneck pointed out two of the things I noticed, you seem to be really reaching for rhymes and the "fell between your thighs" line seems out of place. I'm not being a prude, it just doesn't fit the other lyrics.

The one other thing I was going to mention was the very last line. Let me say first that I like the song, you've done a good job w/ most of it. I like how you set up the relationship in the 1st verse, tell what happened in the 2nd and then jump to the present in the last. On to the last line, I like the idea of the last line and I think the "now I hear you'll soon be three" part is great. But "and it's the clincher" is clunky. It just doesn't fit there. Also, the entire verse you use "you" referring to the girl only and then suddenly "I hear you'll soon be three" you are referring to the girl and the other guy (unless she's having twins?). You might want to rework that a bit, just so it's not confusing.

To fix the "reaching for rhymes", maybe try a different scheme like ABAB or AABB instead of AAAA. Another option, since you have some long lines is to use internal rhymes ("Yesterday we were running away, then I heard you were knocked up today"). Also, check out some of Mike Cooley's stuff from the Drive-By Truckers. He's a genius at splitting up long lines into uneven lines w/ internal rhymes. An example from "Daddy's Cup"...
But he never lost his touch when he got under a hood
He knew how to make them run and he knew one day he would
See his name in victory lane and engraved on that cup
Just like all them other crazy fools with racing in their blood

Bass player for Undercover


   
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Dneck
(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 630
 

You'll is the contraction for you will. Still only referring to the girl.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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jwmartin
(@jwmartin)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1435
 

You'll is the contraction for you will. Still only referring to the girl.

I know, but the line is "you'll soon be three", which I took to mean the girl is pregnant. In order for "you" to be "three", it would have to be the plural "you" and be referring either to Other Man + Girl + Baby or the girl is pregnant with twins. Whenever you use personal pronouns, you should try to keep it as close as possible to the noun or pronoun it is referencing and keep it clear who/what it is referring to.

Bass player for Undercover


   
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Dneck
(@dneck)
Prominent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 630
 

haha thats why everyone who speaks english needs to embrace the southern tradition of the word yall, every other language on earth has a plural form of the word you. Or I guess we could always go with the new jersey tradition yous guys.

btw she was definitely having twins haha I like that explanation.

"And above all, respond to all questions regarding a given song's tonal orientation in the following manner: Hell, it don't matter just kick it off!"
-Chris Thile


   
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