kISS ME { from a female perspective }

Howdy BarnaBus Rox. This is a neat song and I think well written for a female singer.
I really like it. Now, for a little nit-pickin' critique which, if you ignore, won't bother me at all:
Cuddling up and laying in bed
Upon your chest I lay my head

Here's a discussion from Mirriam Webster on the use of "lay" vs "lie".
Thank goodness we songwriters can 'murder' the language all we want and get away with it.

usage LAY has been used intransitively in the sense of "lie" since the 14th century. The practice was unremarked until around 1770; attempts to correct it have been a fixture of schoolbooks ever since. Generations of teachers and critics have succeeded in taming most literary and learned writing, but intransitive lay persists in familiar speech and is a bit more common in general prose than one might suspect. Much of the problem lies in the confusing similarity of the principal parts of the two words. Another influence may be a folk belief that lie is for people and lay is for things. Some commentators are ready to abandon the distinction, suggesting that lay is on the rise socially. But if it does rise to respectability, it is sure to do so slowly: many people have invested effort in learning to keep lie and lay distinct. Remember that even though many people do use lay for lie, others will judge you unfavorably if you do.

So, if you were to use "lie", here's a suggestion:

Cuddling up and lieing in bed
Upon your chest resides my head

Now, how about this line:
Just like that moon light sneaking through
This star just wants to be with you

Just like that moon light sneaking through
This burning star is seeking only you

Oh well, that's my 2 pennies

lwj001

Thanks for stopping by and nit pick for me , I do like your suggestions but check your PM box , I sent you something ..

Trev

Hey BarnaBus Rox. Got your PM and listened to it. Don't change a thing, 'specially from a Texas Kowboy!
It sounds good, nice and slow and easy. Good job.

Cuddling up and lieing in bed
Upon your chest resides my head

Just to be pedantic, that should be "lying" not lieing....and as for the next line, I'm a firm believer in "write it like you'd say it".....

If it was my song, I'd probably say something like....

"Snuggling next to you in our bed,
On your chest I lay my head" - although even that seems a bit ponderous and forced - in real life you'd say "I lay my head on your chest"....

maybe...."Cuddling (or snuggling if you prefer...) half-asleep in bed,
Your chest a pillow for my head....." or something along those lines...

There's always a fix, you just have to play with the words, run them around in your head over and over till you find something that fits....

:D :D :D

Vic

"I lay my head on your chest"....

yeah that would work better to my mind.

Paul

Just to be pedantic, that should be "lying" not lieing
OK, so I was lieing about lying.
I was born in Port Arthur, raised in Conroe and semi-educated in Aldine,
so you gotta recognize the limitations. I'm glad I'm not an unimaginative pedantic pedestrian!

pedantic:
Main Entry: pe·dan·tic
Pronunciation: pi-'dan-tik
Function: adjective
1 : of, relating to, or being a pedant
2 : narrowly, stodgily, and often ostentatiously learned
3 : UNIMAGINATIVE, PEDESTRIAN
--------------------------------------------
Main Entry: ped·ant
Pronunciation: 'pe-d&nt
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle French, from Italian pedante
1 obsolete : a male schoolteacher
2 a : one who makes a show of knowledge
b : one who is unimaginative or who unduly emphasizes minutiae in the presentation or use of knowledge
c : a formalist or precisionist in teaching

I was born in Port Arthur, raised in Conroe and semi-educated in Aldine

Means nothing to me - never heard of those places. There's always wikipedia, though!
I'm glad I'm not an unimaginative pedantic pedestrian!

LOL, I'd NEVER use those words to describe your writing! You have a vivid imagination, and a very good sense of rhythm... as for the definition of pedantic, well, yes I like precision - correct is good! A male schoolteacher? That's something I'd love to have done - but unfortunately, a brush or two in my youth with the law meant I had a criminal record and could never go into teaching. These days they'd put it down to youthful high spirits and probably send me to Disneyland for a week or two (at the tax-payers' expense!) instead of a young offenders institute......and then spend £000's on putting me through teacher training college!

" a formalist or precisionist in teaching " - yes, I probably would have been. Get the basics right, the possibilities are endless - you wouldn't try and build a house without foundations, would you! Once you've got firm foundations, the sky's the limit.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"I lay my head on your chest"....

Then the rhyme is lost , through out the song the rhyme is constant and flows , by changing that line then the following line would have to be changed , and so on .

Upon your chest I lay my head , I thought was very poetic romantic and said so much more than , " hey while we are in bed I put my head on your chest "

Sorry I disagree , "I lay my head on your chest".... doesn't work for me in this song ...And please remember this is a woman madly in love with her man singing it .If it was written for a male singer that line would be something like this

"Upon my chest you lay your head " <---- I would say that ...

Thanks for the feed back

Trev

Then the rhyme is lost , through out the song the rhyme is constant and flows , by changing that line then the following line would have to be changed , and so on .
Hmmm not neccesarily
Cuddling up and laying in bed
I lay my head on your chest
And while your body warms my feet
In my heart I feel complete

I guess it depends on how it is sung, those two highlighted words may be close enough to carry the rhyme. It might just be a case of trying it out. If your uncomfortable, then stick with the original line.

cheers

Paul

"Upon my chest you lay your head " <---- I would say that ...

No, you wouldn't - not in everyday conversation. Shakespeare might have got away with it 400 years ago, but these days...NO! It's too forced - you could possibly get away with "ON my chest"....but anything else just sounds false. It's too poetic...you can get away with it if you're writing poetry, but NOT if you want to be taken seriously as a songwriter.

Write in plain, natural English (or American English, or Australian English) - but don't go against your nature and try and force rhymes. They just DO NOT WORK!

I've said it before, I'll say it again - if you've got something to say, say it in plain English. At least everyone will understand.....sort of....ish....

Rule 1 (The new rule one!) never, ever try and rearrange the words of a phrase or line for the sake of a rhyme.....you're going to sound like Yoda in Star Wars.

And leave you all will I observation with that......

:D :D :D

Vic

Aghhh I am probably wrong as usual , :evil:

Maybe I should have had

Get your fat Rs on this bed
I want to put my locks on your chest

probably wrong

No such thing.

probably wrong

No such thing.

Seems that way

Vic I think we have known each long enough to reply to my posts with my name and no need to look at how I spell my user name ..

But if it helps try this

Barnabus Rox = Barn-a-bus Rox

Or simply = Trev / Trevor / Hilch / Batman / Baldy / Useless / or any other name that comes to mind , I have a skin thicker than most concrete floors ..