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Letting Go


(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 8306
Topic starter  

Letting Go

You're still the song that sounds in my soul,
You're still a dream, so far, no longer real,
Me, love and you... Three halves of something whole,
If one is missing, everything is clear.
You can't recall my warm and loving glance,
I can't recall your glare, full of anger,
And... turn away; love left me no chance
To be your sweetest sin or perfect stranger.

I loved my own pain
When you could be a shield,
I seemed to be so weak,
Still not ashamed of it...
I was so weak, yet was so strong,
Like pretty rose that has its thorns,
And now these thorns are all
That's left of me...

In darkest corners of my soul
Alive are memories, so sweet.
Can't be with you, can't be alone,
Cant bear my truth or your deceit.
Each of your words I'll always treasure,
But won't respond - I have my pride
And quell this love that can't be measured,
I can't afford to lose this strife.

You'll always be with me,
But only... in my thoughts.

I loved my own pain
When you could be a shield,
I seemed to be so weak,
Still not ashamed of it...
I was so weak, yet was so strong,
Like pretty rose that has its thorns,
And now these thorns are all
That's left of me...


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(@crkt246)
Honorable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 596
 

my take on this song is that it is about a guy who lost his girlfrend and he wants to get over it but he's have a hard time trying. it is a well writen song on a scale of 1 to 10 I give it a 8 8)


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(@blueline)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 1705
 

I've found that reviewing lyrics, especially those that are not yet married to a piece of music, gives us the ability to question what we are trying to say in a particular verse. I often put a set of lyrics away and when I revisit them, I tend to wonder exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote them. So that tells me I did not o a good job of getting my points across.
That said, I think it's a good starting place but you need to flesh out the rest of the song.

A few things.
You establish a rhyming scheme ..."soul, whole- glance, chance" but then abandon it for the rest of the song. You may want to consider either balancing the rest of the song with rhyme or making the entire piece an abstract without rhyme. Without having music to use as a meter, I'm not sure if the two verses you have listed are structured the same way. The syllable count seems to be off a smidge. But some creative singing could always take care of that.

I would suggest rewording some of your lines as well. Using metaphors is great when you are trying to explain how one feels or paint a specific tone for a song but the listener has to be able to relate to what you are saying. I had some problems understanding the phrase:
"You can't recall my warm and loving glance,
I can't recall your glare, full of anger,
And... turn away; love left me no chance
To be your sweetest sin or perfect stranger"

Good stuff, keep working on it!

Teamwork- A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.


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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 8306
Topic starter  

Thanks a lot for the reviews!
I really appreciate your trying to help.

However, this writing (that is about me and what I had to go through earlier in my life) means a certain lot to me as it is, it's just -- my feelings written down, it's part of me.
The piece was even published in an onlne magazine, so I suppose, everything is fine with it.


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