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Love Unspoken

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(@joshua_lancaster)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 4
Topic starter  

"Love Unspoken"

Beauty in her soul, heart on her sleeve
Everytime I see her, I fall with the Autumn Leaves
I meant to say "I love you" but spoke a little late
I expectedyou to look into my eyes and see
...What words forgot to say

I'm falling out of love with you, I'm starting to drown
I tried to tell you as we watched the sun go down
I meant to end it here, but spoke a little late
I wanted you to look into my eyes and see
...What words forgot to say

My emotions are the oceans with there ever-changing waves
You are the strong mountain: your feeling for me never change
Meant to ask to stay this time, but I spoke a little late
I expected you to look into my eyes and see
...What words forgot to say

My waves of sorrow look back and wonder what would have been
Would we have grown old, would we have had kids?
I meant to marry you but spoke a little late
I expected you to look into my eyes and see
...What words forgot to say

I wake up from this sacred dream to see your pretty face
Last night, when our souls became one, it was you I embraced
I know I gotta tell you so I'm not gonna be late
Wake up, I want to look into your eyes and tell you
...The words I've always meant to say

my life have i watched being sucked down the drain. producing black fruit, filled with much pain. no hope for the future, no joy in the past, my only prayer is that death will come fast!


   
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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
 

Wow that's beautiful. The last verse gave me chills.

The meter in it seems a little strange though, like there are more words than there need to be. That may not be a problem when you sing it though.

Very well done,
Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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(@joshua_lancaster)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 4
Topic starter  

Thanks, I can sing all of it and it will flow except for this line:
"I meant to ask you if this time I could stay, but spoke a little late" any suggestions?

my life have i watched being sucked down the drain. producing black fruit, filled with much pain. no hope for the future, no joy in the past, my only prayer is that death will come fast!


   
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(@mr-d)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
 

Umm... well you could trim a couple of words and see if that helps, like "Meant to ask if this time I could stay, but spoke a little late" will free you up two syllables. If that's not enough then maybe something like "Meant to ask to stay this time, but I spoke a little late". The second one fits the meter I'm hearing in my head better, but either could work I suppose. It's not a matter of rewriting the line, just trimming a little fat :)

Hope that helped a little,
Dillon

I use heavy strings, tune low, play hard and floor it. Floor it. That's technical talk.
—SRV


   
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(@impossibleprincess)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 32
 

You certainly have a talent! Very beautiful! Makes me want to read more from you...

You'll never get to heaven if you're scared of getting high!


   
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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 197
 

wow!! big props for this one, very nice, can really feel the love....and i agree with the suggestion above ^ about that line....would like to hear this with music......

Good stuff!!

+

Rain Shadow


   
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(@joshua_lancaster)
Active Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 4
Topic starter  

Thanks for all of the compliments, I like the way that line fits. I'm trying to get music...any suggestions for a style that would best fit it?

my life have i watched being sucked down the drain. producing black fruit, filled with much pain. no hope for the future, no joy in the past, my only prayer is that death will come fast!


   
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(@lostbeggining)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 197
 

i think it would make a great ballad if u kept it slow. Although i think it would work heavier and faster i think it would have more of an impact and pull the emotion out more if it was a slow..maybe acoustic..song.....but sure it will sound good woteva ya do so.....

Again, really good song!!

+

Rain Shadow


   
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